Running! Yes, real running according to me.

I have FINALLY got my running groove back. Could be the spring weather. Could be the emails of "X days left until your half marathon". Could be that I really do love it and was made for it like I swore I was when I hit 10 miles back in October. Okay. Yes, it wasn't 10. It was something like 9.93, but by the time I figured out the map I was half stripped down due to sweating that I had no desire to go back and finish the rest of the .07 so I say 10. Go run 9.93 miles. You'll say 10 too.

NO I haven't hit 10. Or 9 or even 8. I hit somewhere above 6 a while back and hit 6 this weekend. And felt GOOD. And did it in a GOOD pace. So that matters at this point more than the 8 or 9. I lost my mileage and my speed (well-it's MY speed) when snow fell. There are certain things I have noticed about upping my mileage as well. I can spit like my dad used to spit. For whatever crazy reason I was always in awe of his perfect aim. I know. I am weird. Well, I got it. Maybe not quite like him. I have yet to hit the leaf or twig I aim at, but it is so much closer than my usual of the spit hitting just outside my lips and getting lost somewhere between my cheek and ear. And my husband thinks I am so sexy cause I run. I don't think it's the spit aim. Probably more the silky tight running pants I wear. I hope anyway.

I also realized there are runners who are not part of the clique. Gasp! I know, right?! Yeah the ones who run right past you like you do not exist. They must think they're better than me. Or maybe I am just so fast I intimidate them. Yeah, that must be it. At that moment I am super speedy. Cause all the other runners I pass see me and wave or do that real stiff, practiced head nod. Yeah, we know how to show some respect. I especially love the ones who run past on the opposite side and leave a sweet smelling aura like they had to have just stepped out of the shower and bathed in a field of roses. One can only dream I smell that awesome as they pass me cause when I stop, I sure do not smell roses. Maybe dead ones. That sat in a car. For like 10 years.

Running is my release. I pray. I think about life. I choke up sometimes and have to stop thinking about life. It's okay. I am red-faced anyway. No one notices. I seriously feel that if everyone started running they would love it as much as me. I was never a runner either so they would have to, right? Then I need to remind myself that is not the case and no one that doesn't run doesn't want to hear about my pace time. Or the horrible side cramp I got at mile 3. Or how I felt like I was going to crap my pants at mile 4 and at mile 5 I wouldn't be able to tell you if I really did or not (for the record I have never, but man that would be hardcore). Only my husband seems somewhat interested in hearing those details. It must be the sexy pants that I am usually still wearing when I go off on what I like to call "a runner tangent". He is thoroughly impressed. Always.

So I started my half-marathon training last week for the 3rd time. Then this week I missed the first 2 workouts. I could run the next 3 days and get them in but that would be insane. Yes. I like that idea ;)

Me, Myself and I

I did some reading back in my blog. One of the last few posts I left off wondering if I was going through postpartum depression. Now I fully remember why I stopped the blog pretty much. My little dandy blessed life hit me in the face. I had issues. Issues I did not like or care to admit to anyone. Just select few. And when I say few I think maybe 2 people. My sister and my husband. It was a dark place. I always thought PPD was where you laid in bed all day (or wanted to) you never smiled, you didn't like your kids, etc. I know. I was dumb. Mine was give me an excuse to blow cause I am gonna blow anyway. I tried the whole "go in the other room and count to 10". That made me blow harder. Laila and I were at each others throats. I honestly thought I was going to hurt her something awful and not be allowed to be her mommy anymore. There. I said it. I admitted to blog land what I only somewhat admitted to my husband. In the dark. Through my tears. I was going to crack and my whole world I have lived for was going to come shattering down on me. I wasn't like that all the time. And to be honest Laila pushed my buttons a lot. I know many of you are like "what?! Laila? Really?!" Yes, my sweet shy girl can come unhinged too! Only she became unhinged and I exploded. Which made her explode which made it awful. I made an appointment with my midwife. I pondered what I wanted to come of that appointment. It came down to for once in my life I wanted drugs. Not that that is the easy way out, but I wanted her to sign me over an RX, go against all my beliefs of natural is best, and drug me up. I couldn't stand myself any more way too often than I cared to admit. Well the midwife wasn't having it. I walked out of there grateful actually. I was supposed to workout, take specific vitamins, read the book "Raising the Strong Willed Child", and see a psychiatrist. Well that was too much $$ and I never got around to getting the book so I did the other three things. Well, when I worked out the kids needed me. That works for every mom, right? Want your kids attention? Go workout. Want the kids to be hungry? Go workout. Want them to fight with each other? Go workout. So then I just got frustrated even more. So fast-forward a little bit. I go to a regular OBGYN to get my tubes tied, burnt, wrestled down in a choke hold. Whatever it took. No. More. babies. He's coaxing me: "Are you sure? Girl and boy? What about....-"  I interrupt him. "Fragile X sir. I am a carrier of fragile X". "Oh" big red "approved" across my chart. Now we're talking. So by the way doc, I am going insane. I want to rip my daughters hair out. Can I have drugs? Get a RX for Xanax. I felt like a kid in the candy store. I go home and can't wait to try them out!! It was only days. It was Curt this time. Only he has no hair for me to rip out so I was yelling obscenities to him from the back porch to his garage. Those that know our house know my voice needed to be kinda loud. Yes, I have checked. Our neighbors still love us. So, I go to take my "happy pill". I am standing there as if I am going to see rainbows shoot across the kitchen and flowers pop up and sway in the wind. Nothing. I go sit on the porch. Steaming mad still. Probably sending dirty looks towards the garage. Then it hits me. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am still raving pissed, but too darn tired to do anything about it! Which pisses me off even more, but I am still too tired to do anything about it. I fall asleep. Wake up still pissed but tired and annoyed at my "candy". Ugh (but they were AWESOME for the trip to Vegas where I needed to be just knocked the F out before I screamed "we are ALL GONNA DIE IN A PLANE CRASH" while on the plane).  So no candyland fix for me.

But in that moment it hit me. Okay, maybe it was weeks later, but soon after, it hit me. I am doing this. I can fix this. It is just me and I am at the breaking point of full blown losing Laila. Losing whatever relationship I have with her cause she is going to hate me for the rest of my life. It was like a snap. I don't know if it was about to end anyway. A combination of tried and fail of one medicine or whatever. Do I think all women who suffer with PPD can pull themselves out of it? No way. But I do feel in this society we are quick to medicate. That is not the thing for me and luckily for me it worked! I somehow pulled myself together pretty well when I needed too and for some reason it was like laila and I had a silent bond. We just clicked again. We were easier on each other. We had more patience. So I guess I can't take all the credit. She's pretty strong herself :)

Do I still yell? Oh yeah. But it's controlled yelling ;) And I don't feel like I am turning green, with horns coming out of my head, and snarly teeth complete with claws like I did on those scary scary moments. Moments I still shudder thinking about. Moments that I am forever ashamed to admit I ever visited. But you learn from your past. Laila and I both did. She has the mommy she deserves now and I am forever grateful for her patience and forgiving love.

Time flies when....

you're a mom, a wife, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, a student, a runner, a friend, a daughter, and....when you're having fun being ALL of those things. Wow. Four years have gone by since I last wrote. Okay maybe not that long, but pretty much. I basically closed my blog to public then figured, what was the point of writing anyway then?! Well...last I left off Evan was a baby I think. He's not any more!! Almost 5, kindergarten next year, full of attitude and control-freakishness. For the record, I have NO idea what-so-ever where he gets that from. Must be his daddy ;)  Laila was 4ish. She's 7 1/2. Yes, better not forget the 1/2. Such an amazing young lady full of attitude too. Again, from her daddy. I cannot contain myself in how blessed I am to have these little beings in my life. And the big dude. He's pretty darn awesome too. Full of drive, love and attitude. Don't forget the attitude. See? I told you the kids get it from him. Proof right there baby.

As for me, I love being a mom. Back in school cause I have yet to fulfill my other dream of being a teacher. One day. I swear. One day I will be Mrs. Brown the teacher. The desire is in full force. Could be that Evan is going to be in school full time and I BETTER do something else because the above things listed in the first sentence of this blog are surely not enough. No. They really aren't. I never wanted to be a stay at home. Then my baby girl came. What on earth was I ever thinking I would not LIVE EVERY BREATH for this thing. So of course, stay at home mommy I became and loved, and I mean LOVED every moment of it. Was it hard? Oh yeah. But worth all of it? Heck yeah! So...when I say my dream of being a teacher rates right up there with being a stay at home mom...I mean that teaching would be a major dream come true. I fill out applications for jobs and cry. I practice my lessons on my kids and cry. I get all giddy to help in the school (and yes, I cry a little). I feel it way down deep in my bones. I was BORN to teach. Not my own kids. Oh hell no. But everyone else kids? Bring 'em on!! I once sat across from a principal stating my strong desire to teach. I began to cry. Totally embarrassed. Then she cried and it was all good :)

I also run. A little. Back in October it was a lot. Then the cold hit and now it is a little hoping to be a lot. Soon. I heard birds out there recently so I will get my long runs back!

I guess back to life as we know it. I have no idea why I am starting this back up. Maybe it will be boring and I will say I surely can't fit "blogger" in the above sentence too!! (What is blogger anyway? Someone who just blogs or someone who REALLY blogs?).  This blog started out as a release for my pain through all my losses. And holy crap there were many. Too many, but the mountains we overcame and the people, family and spouses we are because of it? I would never in a million years change a thing. A friend recently had an analogy about miscarriage. It's like a scrape on your arm. It heals. There will probably always be a scar. Sometimes before that scar comes and it is healing, it may break open again. Maybe bleed or just sting. It may do it a few times, but eventually it will heal and a scar will form. You will always notice the scar. You will always remember how it got there. That is 100% true. There is still that wound, Healed for sure. Scarred over? yes. But it can still break open. And man that hits you out of no where sometimes! It has been a while since I have felt the raw pain from the losses. Years maybe even. But then a moment hits you. Like when I walked into my first day of my class this semester at college. My stomach clenched. I felt an aura come over me something awful. Then I realized that classroom was the class that I lost my first baby in back in 2006. I wasn't IN class, but I started that class pregnant, came back the next week not. And I didn't break down. It was almost healing to realize the sour feeling. I understood. Damn right I would feel that way, but damn right I have come so far since then. I don't pass every due date anymore and think "I would have had a X year old too". I don't realize it is an "anniversary" of a loss every.time. Some dates, yes, but most I don't. Finally for Evan's fourth birthday I didn't cry. I didn't look at him with tears in my eyes, hugging him till he begged me to stop because I STILL could not believe he was HERE. MINE!! How I love that word. Mine. He is all mine. Okay, yes I share him. A little. Don't ask my mom though. She will say I never do. But anyway. I didn't blubber like a baby, thanking God he is here. Nope. All that came a few days later ;) At least he can say for the first time in his four years mommy didn't practically smother him on his birthday. No promises for the big 5 son.

So...I am thinking this will be a new blog about my normal life now. My transition from getting my groove back with running to being a half-marathoner. My transition from stay at home mom, to mom who subs and begs for a teaching job.  From being insane wife who complains all the time to being insane wife who complains all the time. Yes, no typos there. He's loved me for almost 9 years being that so why would I disappoint him and become someone new?! No, really. I have complained a LOT less these last few years. When your hubby spends 6 months off work and you CRY the day he goes back cause you're gonna miss him something terrible? Yeah. You realize you got it bad for that guy. Plus he's pretty darn cute. And he promised to start cleaning the bathrooms for me. All those combined make for a pretty good catch :)

So enjoy. Or yawn and say "why did she ever open this up again?". We shall see where it goes :)

This boy will be 5 foot tall in kindergarten

I just know it. He is only a half a pound and an inch smaller than Laila was at one year and 12 days. He was one day shy of 6 months w/ these measurements! He's 27 3/4 inches and 18.8 pounds. Dropped a little in his weight curve, but Dr. R tends to see that around 6 months. I was told to try to get him to nurse longer, but when he's done, he's done. My supply is too great and fast for him to hang out w/ drips. So, hopefully he picks up great on the food. He loves carrots and so did Laila. Not too fond of green beans though and neither was his cousin Hayden. Liked the pears okay. I can't get him to eat his cereal in the morning though. Clamps his mouth shut, with his lower lipped tucked in and just grunts at me. He's sitting up really good unsupported which doc said was a 9 month thing. I never knew that. I wouldn't sit him and walk away, but he can sit for a few minutes or longer on his own if he tries hard enough. And I know he's not saying mama, but when he gets upset it so sounds like it and I love it! As for little Miss Laila, she's great. I am being such a bad mom to her though. I am so crabby lately. I really need to work on having more patience and time for her. She's becoming such a little girl. She told me milk comes form a cow. You squeeze it's butt and it comes out in a bucket! Everything in that area is a butt to her. I'm surprised she didn't argue w/ the pre-school teacher saying milk comes from a boob cause she's informed me that "Evan is heavy cause he's too much out your boob". Nice. She is so good w/ her manners and will scrape her plate off and put it in the sink after dinner most nights. And we used to let her fall asleep to a movie in her room, but I retrained her to fall asleep on her own after books. She does really well with it and even headed off to bed one night on her own after telling Curt she was tired! I think the time together reading, singing and praying is great for her. As for me, I'm all messed up. I am so crabby and sometimes feel like I'm about to literally blow. I dropped Laila off at pre-school a few weeks ago and came back and sat on the couch just looking around for something to snap about. I feel all shaky sometimes too. I was chatting w/ a mom form my church about this and she mentioned looking into post-partum depression. I couldn't believe that it would kick in at 6 months, but she said that's when hers did. So I am scraping my feet about calling the doctor. I just feel weird about it all. I know it's "normal", but I don't want to be one of the moms w/ those "issues". Not that I think it's issues, but it's a bit embarrassing to admit. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to get myself back on track first. Plus w/ nursing, I'm not sure what/if anything would be okay to take. It doesn't help that Curt and I are not on the best of terms. I started realizing that it was always me pulling us out of our slumps or getting us to go out. We went out last Friday and it took me a good half an hour to get him to really start to have fun. It's tiring to be the only one trying to cheer up the family. I know he does a LOT for us, but it's not like I sit at home w/ my bon bons, watch soap opera's and bark orders at the nanny and maid. And on top of that he knows how much I appreciate what he does and how much I support him in EVERYthing he does. SO far as threatening divorce should he decide to sell his "66 chevy project trucks he's been working on for the last 4 years. It's his dream and I won't let him begin to not think so. On top of that I am also feeling envious. He gets time off. Yes, he's busy, but he does get those hours where he can sit in front of the TV and watch his shows or lallygag on the computer. Laila will go right past Curt in the kitchen to come ask me for a drink if I'm doing that stuff. Or the fact that I've only "slept" 8 hours straight w/o getting up (I've been woken up) maybe twice in the last 6 months, or heck, probably the last year since being pregnant! And every time we go out, I either pay for my own night or I pick up kids who haven't eaten all night or are throwing up. I think..Did I really get a night out or was that a dream??? I guess it's all part of being a mom. I most days take it w/ a grain of salt, but not so much lately.

Hello everyone! I imagine everyone is as sick of winter as I am. At least Curt's over-time as slowed down a little for the sake of all our sanity.

As I stated in January, we got Evan tested for fragile X and the results are in............................

NEGATIVE!!!!!!

He's not a carrier either. We were very emotional about hearing the news. Not that we would not love him no matter what, but we are just extra blessed. Every child is a true miracle, but I feel that both of our kids have a little extra miracle dust in them. Everything was easy w/ Laila. We got pregnant right away, no complications. Then to get hit w/ four miscarriages, we began to really think that she was a miracle beyond miracles. What made her so special in God's eyes to have her "work". Then we get surprised w/ Evan's pregnancy, scared to death of what will lie ahead. Then we get the fragile X diagnosis that I'm a carrier. At that point we knew, no matter what, that God wanted him here. Had we not been as fertile as we are, and not gotten pregnant, we would have stopped w/ just Laila after having that diagnosis. God wanted him here and to bless us extra w/o having to embrace a FX diagnosis is remarkable. I prayed my thanks to God the day we got the news and I had the hardest time ending the pray w/ a simple amen. Let alone ending it at all. How do you stop saying thank you, when your blessings are out of this world? The word "thank you" seems so petty w/ this. The dryer can break, the taxes can go up, but what is most important in our lives in side our four walls is here. A healthy and happy family.

And speaking of... here is my healthy and happy, family. I think one pic may be a video of sledding?

Evan's allergy results are in....

NEGATIVE for EVERYTHING?!?!?!?! How on earth is that possible? I posted on my "dairy-free moms" message board and some think the tests aren't that accurate when they are so little. My theory is is he's growing out of it, cause he is at the age where some kids do, and we tested "too late". There's no way he became a whole new child 3 days after taking out dairy at 3 weeks old just by coincidence-no way. Lately, I have been sneaking a lot and he seems fine. Before when I'd sneak, he'd be affected, if even just a little. Now, I just hope I can still "pretend" that he is allergic cause I don't want that weight piling back on. We'll see what the doc says when I go in next month for his 6 week check-up. And...Happy 5 month Birthday to my big boy!! And since Laila claimed it was her birthday too (feeling left out since mine was this weekend), Happy 3 years, 6 months and 21 day birthday to Laila! My birthday night was soo fun. I am very mad at the mini stage though. We went out dancing and of course the mini-stage just had to have me dance on it. And they had to play PYT by Michael Jackson so I had to go all out to my boy MJ. I couldn't just dance normally w/ people watching either so I had to kick it up a notch. I have sore muscles where I did not even think muscles existed. But, it was all worth it! Laila and Curt made me a birthday card that Laila made me put in my purse to take out that night. It was very cute. Then Curt was getting crabby w/ me earlier in the day (okay-we were both crabby) and when he went to the garage I was complaining to Laila how "daddy needs to be nice to me since it's my birthday and he needs to get me a present". So I'm vacuuming a few minutes alter and Curt makes me stop and says "By orders from your daughter" and kissed me and hugged me. Laila had told him that "it's mommy's birthday and you have to be nice to her and give her a kiss and hug and we have to get her a present". I'm training her well ;-) P.S. Thanks to all for the birthday wishes and who helped make it a fun night!

The BEST Birthday present EVER!!!!!

Yes-I'm going to brag and yes, it's my 28th birthday today. I stepped on the scale on Tuesday of this week and realized I lost almost 4 1/2 pounds since January 1st!! I've done NO exercising unless you count shoveling the driveway once (it is pretty long-13 cars comfortably) or dancing for 20 minutes w/ Laila. I stepped on it today-another pound gone! I am not one that fluctuates at all-day night-doesn't matter. I only fluctuate when I workout, then I gain. Soooo...my pants are baggy and my undies are beyond grandma looking. So I dare to go into the "skinny bin". Pulled out clothes I haven't seen since either before Laila was born, or w/in the year after before I hit my year of stress beyond stress. I am sitting here in my Beacon Elementary sweatshirt, nursing tank and you betcha-my skinny pink dress pants!!!!!!!!!! I haven't even brushed my teeth yet-eewww! I had a changing fest complete w/ modeling show for Curt. Of course he does not remember any of the clothes-lol. But I fit into my comfy khakis I haven't worn since BEFORE Laila was born and they were baggy!! Almost not appealing baggy! Also my pants I was wearing when we announced her pregnancy at 4 weeks pregnant (ahh-the crazy times of not being scared!) and the ones I could barely squeeze into one year post partum w/ her. they are still a squeeze, but hey-they work! Yay yay yay! Happy birthday to me! So it does not matter that I still have to clean the house today while Curt cuddles w/ Evan on the couch. I got a pretty good B-day present anyway. Bless you son for being allergic to dairy!!! Sorry I ever said you were still wrecking havoc on my body!

Where's the spoon?

Yes. I need to eat my salads w/ a spoon. Once upon a time when I had thick, creamy, dairy loaded salad dressing and mounds of dairy loaded cheese to help hold the lettuce and the chicken together, I could eat them w/ a fork. But now that they consist of lettuce, cucumbers and chicken w/ runny, oily, expensive dairy and soy free dressing, I spend most of dinner chasing around in my bowl that cucumber or that piece of chicken so I eat more than a piece of lettuce when I take a bite. So, I will cave and the next time I eat a salad it will be w/ a spoon. And not a cereal spoon. One of those big ones you use for veggies at holiday dinners. The things parents do for their kids. Curt will be so turned on to watch me eat my salads now ;-P

I just want my kids sick free

This is terrible. Just as they both get over their one cold, they start another which has been much worse. Laila sounded like a dying seal, going through a whole box of tissues cause every little sniffle she's got to wipe. Then she begins to get a little better and Evan starts the dying seal cough. Laila informed him "Evan, you have the same cough as me!!!" He gets pissed at the cough though. Does that groan on that last cough like"I'm sick of this!!!" then draws out the groan for a good 10 seconds. Had Curt and I giggling the other morning at 4 am listening through the monitor. I'm sure he was thrilled we were laughing. We also decided to just sign our paycheck over to the doctor's office. I took Evan in for cold #1, a week later took Laila in for cold #2, then 2 days after that Evan had his 4 month check-up. Dr. R is super awesome and checked them both out for cold #2 at his appointment. Our bank account thanks you. As for the check-up, holy moly big boy! 17 pounds!! I think he had to have been over 16 at the last visit and the nurse just rounded it. He's 26 1/4 inches and his height is average to a 6 1/2 month old!! Doing great, right on track w/ milestones except rolling over. 90% of our house is wood floors so he gets very little floor time. but I had him on the rug yesterday and he just about had it, trying super hard. That was rolling over back to front which Laila did not do till almost 6 months. I think this kid is more advanced than her in most things and she was pretty advanced. I did not get him allergy tested. I did not make it in time and now I'm waiting for him to be cold free. No need to torture him more than needed. I will be taking him next week and getting him tested for FX at the same time. But if anyone is reading this-I do not want to discuss it unless it's on my own terms please. And I'd love to get some sleep for more than an hour or two. I have always done well on little sleep, but it being broken up so much is getting to me. I will stumble out of bed and sometimes have to stand their to get over my dizzy spell before I can venture to whichever kids room needs me. Between them both I am, no doubt, up at least 5-6 times in the night before 7 am rolls around. I do get to sleep in though. Even if Laila gets up at 7, which has been her new trend, I can fall back asleep until she informs me " it's time to get up cause it's morning time. I want dinner". I happened to get in a big fight w/ my mom. My parents are getting a divorce after 33 years of marriage. they split in June 08. It's been very tough on them, especially my mom who did not want it. But it's been tough on my sis and I, too. Mom has a hard time weeding out the info that us kids should not/need not to hear. She likes to bring up stuff my dad did 20 years ago which drives me nuts. Plus she just plain doesn't listen. She tells me about something I said that hurt her, then won't listen when I explain either A-my reasons or B-how that was not what i said and she twisted it around. Curt and I kind of "argue" about what is tougher-parent's divorce as a child or an adult. As an adult even when things aren't told to you, you're old enough to figure them out. Plus as an adult you've been through your own trials so you know what hurting feels like; you may even know what a heartbreak feels like. Curt's heart has never been broke by a girl so maybe that's why we differ on opinion. I just want it to be over and both my parents to be happy. Laila and I prayed last night. She thanked God for Jesus, mommy and tissues ;-)

Happy New Year!!!!!!

It's been a while. Where do I start? Christmas was wonderful. We had it at our house. Laila really got into it this year, fully understanding who and what Santa is. Santa got her this "cutsie mousie" she had been asking for all. the. time. Had it hidden to be opened way last. She opened it and said "what is it?". I just about died! You're kidding me?!?!? Then she says she figured it out it was a bunny!! When we explained it was the cutsie mousie she'd been begging for, she said "awww" and hugged it. Then said it wasn't the cutsie mousie cause its head was too big. Oh, well. It was still a fun filled day. She got to open Evan's presents for him and loved that he got her a gift too. Curt took her shopping to pick out my gift (2 nutcrackers) and his gift (a beanie baby panda). He said she pointed to them and there was no discussion-that's what we wanted. She had been super sweet, but the new Year nearing has brought back her sassiness. It was great while it lasted. I was totally informed by her that she hated me. I was hoping that wouldn't come until she at least hit double digits, but I sure didn't expect it before kindergarten. We made up now and I'm still her best friend ;-) Evan is doing great. Had some shots and didn't even cry for the first one. Just crinkled his face a bit. The nurse and I both stared at him for a bit waiting for him to let it out. Cried for the second one (nurse warned it hurt a lot worst) but was smiling at the nurse seconds later. What a trooper. I am going tomorrow to get him allergy tested. I just want to know what it is I can't eat instead of playing this guessing game. Something still bugs him, just can't figure out what it is. He's growing like a weed being up to 16 pounds already. He's just about out of 3-6 month clothes. Giggling like crazy and overall a pretty happy baby. As soon as his cold goes away, we'll be back to normal. I am still recovering from the stomach flu I had over the weekend. We went out to the bar w/ Curt's family and I had 1.5 drinks and was three sheets to the wind. Very pathetic. After his mom bought me a $3 plate of crackers, his aunt and uncle walked me back to his cousins house where I got sick..3 times. Nice. I think I am officially initiated in. The next day I ended up w/ the flu and so did a few other people so I can handle a drink or two, just not when I'm about to get sick. And let me tell you. Breastfeeding w/ the stomach flu is not very fun at all. I was proud though. he got no bottles which he can't stand anyway and only once did I need to interrupt a feeding. Laila was pretty sweet and would bring me blankets and give me kisses on any part of my body that happened to be poking out form either blanket or whatever comfy position I had found to lay in. Then, so gross, but once while I was getting sick she told Curt she had to go in there and help me and he said that i was okay and all and she said no "mommy keeps saying 'help'". I am not quiet by any means. I am also ready to get going on my toning up. I lost 6 more pound sin the last 2 months. Now I just need to tone. I am only a few pounds away from Laila's pre-pregnancy weight. Very happy. I've come to realize that my weight gain had to have mostly been the stress that 2007 brought on and all the pregnancies. Now being stress free, or at least bad-stress free I am feeling/looking normal again. But oh my gosh..the emotions have been running high. I was a blubbering mess Christmas morning just kissing and crying all over Evan thinking how wonderful it is that we are having another baby's first Christmas. We'd hoped, and maybe deep down knew, but it still seemed so far out of our reach. I mean, my MIL gets me boy scrapbooking stickers and I choke up. I am just super happy w/ our life inside our 4 little walls. How blessed. I know I say it a lot, but I truly am happy w/ my life and I really don't think I could ask for anything more. Hope everyone has a blessed 2009!!!!

A hodge podge of sorts

Well, since I've been up since 5:30, I figured I'd post.

First-I want to clarify my venting post about my birth. I was not trying to say anyone who got drugs had an easier labor than me-in any way whether it was 1 hour or 10 hours (or more!). I am saying that unless you felt pain at a 5 or 10 drug free-you cannot compare my pain to yours, just like unless I felt contractions at a 2 for 5 hours, I cannot compare my pain to yours. And yes, birth stories are great and I love to share mine and hear others, but not when mine gets tossed to the side as "easy". I actually think this ticks Curt off more than me. He was the only one, besides myself, who really saw/felt/knew partly what I was going through and he knew how hard I tried to go natural, for myself and my babies. It was not a challenge for me to prove people wrong (yes, their non-support helped push me to want to do it more), but I did it cause it was what was best for my lovies. Now I am done. And I decided, I will not let anyone downplay my births, even if it causes a brawl ;-).

And yay for enjoy life brand "chocolates". I was finally able to enjoy some chocolate chip cookies dairy and pretty much soy free!! I am still trying to find dairy and soy free butter-not happening! So I deal. Curt said they were the best he'd ever tasted! The cinnamon crunch granola is a whole different story-yuck. I'm trying to force myself to eat it since I paid over $4 for it and probably will get 5-6 bowls of it....if I can stand that many.

Evan is doing so much better w/ it now, too. I think he's not as sensitive, plus I'm trying harder. I still have my sneaks of bites of pizza and chocolate, but the more I research, the more
"not alone" I feel. The only problem is that all my meals need to be planned. Lean Cuisine does not carry a frozen line of dairy/soy free entrees. ;-P

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my 3 month old! I cannot believe it. Time has flown. He's doing great. Sleeping good at night, too. Yesterday he went from 10:30 until 6:30. Needless to say, I woke up to a soaking wet shirts. That's what sucks about those surprise good sleeps.

I will be looking into getting a part time job after the winter. I'd love to babysit an older child (no babies) one or two days a week or maybe tutor. I am just tired of being strapped every month and having Curt stressing or driving himself crazy trying to find a deal to make some extra dough. We hope to sell the cabin which will pay off school and leave a little extra to fix up stuff around here, like oh let's see--get the septic field replaced. Fun times! It just boggles my mind how we make it on our salary every month that I don't even want to question it. It's one of those things-it works decently so I'm not going to fret! But, we just had to finally get cable.... ;-)

Laila is great. Not as sassy (I so know I just jinxed myself!) and growing up so fast. She plays house now. Complete w/ combing my hair and putting in a hair tie, handing me a bag and saying "now you can go to pre-school, dear". Can anyone say adorable???? And then the other night, I was told to "pay attention" to her and that she is sick of Chevy. That's another reason to get a job-so she'll stop picking up on my bad habits so much. AT least I haven't heard "damn it" in a while-complete w/ throwing a video tape across her room. The throwing came from someone else though- :cough:Curt:cough:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope we can all have at least one thing we are thankful for this year. I am super thankful for God and all his blessing he has given us-our two beautiful, healthy children, a great marriage, wonderful friends and happy and warm home w/ food to eat.


Laila said she is thankful for cereal ;-) Now I'm off to throw my "cereal" away. I cannot stomach any more.

Need to vent

I know to some this is sooo petty, but it bugs the heckers out of me. I am so SICK of people downplaying my birth. I was at an event last night and we were chatting about our birth stories and all. And, for like the 100th time, I was told "well if I had a 4 hour labor like yours I'd probably want to watch the head come out". Along w/ "I don't know why I bothered w/ an epidural since I felt it all anyway". Umm...if you've never had a birth w/o an epidural, how the f**k do you know what it feels like? And if you never dilated past 3, how the hell do you know what labor dilated to a 5 feels like, let alone pushing for that matter. For the record, most women who get drugs, get them around dilation between a 3 and a 5 (not all people-calm down, but most) so even had you endured many hours prior to that, you still don't know what dilation of 10 and pushing feels like drug free-no matter how quick. I go into my labors at the point where many/most women can't handle them and get drugs, and I endure it all the rest of the way. There is no comparison in my book. I certainly would never say "I know how you feel" to someone who was induced, went many hours drug free. No way. I'd sure pat them on the back. That's why they call dilation of 4 and higher active labor. That's when the real sh!t begins people-don't knock it till you try it drug free. I work hard to go all natural. And, for the record again, I was asked about 5 times during Laila's birth if I wanted drugs and I told them no every time. So no, it was not too quick and I didn't have time. I didn't want them. And I went drug free for my baby and myself-not to prove anything since that didn't happen anyway. I have no clue, or maybe a small clue, of what it feels like to spend many hours drug free, but I sure know that dilation of a 4 is much more manageable than an 8 and so on, and pushing a 6 pounder out is MUCH much less painful than an 8 pounder. So shut-up. I'm sick of it. You worked hard, I worked hard. Our end result was a beautiful baby.

Okay. I'm done. I'm not sure if I feel better or not. I swear to myself the next time I get that line I will say something, but I never do. I just hide it here. Sheesh, you'd never guessed I could do labor completely drug free. Oh, that's right. It was only a few hours of nothing.

A Thursday night in the Brown household

Makes for a very bored Lisa. Curt played basketball tonight which equals sleeping on the couch come 8:30. Evan is next to him in the swing zonked out, too. It was funny-Curt announced to Laila he was going to play BB. She, clad only in her princess undies (no, not Laila!), ran and got her tennis shoes..all set to play BB w/ daddy. Awww....Curt had to break her heart.

Evan had his 2 month appointment this week. 13 pounds 15 ounces!! Grew 4 inches so far since birth. He's 90th %tile in both height and weight. He's HUGE! In 3-6 months clothes and has been since just over 2 months. He's handsome and sweet and such a good baby now. Not that he wasn't before...but let's just say my bald spots are growing back and the bathroom door has not been locked in quite a few weeks--me locked in, not Evan. ;-P

Laila is great. Okay-scratch that. I have locked the bathroom door and found other not-bald spots on my head to pull hair out of because of her. She is a royal SASS!!! I can't get angry w/ her cause she'll either yell, "you know better!" or just swing her hip at me and grunt her McSassiness at me. And when I do get mad at her she thinks it's funny to watch me go berserk! Oh and the all famous "stop being crabby, mommy!" I really don't know what to do?!?! I need a parenting class. I've tried the whole "you have to be good for Santa" thing, but then she just wants to go to sleep all the time for "Santa to bring me a pony, a carriage, a barbie, and a baby w/ a car seat". Yes, I did make the mistake of searching the TRU website for ideas. Thank heavens she is beyond cute. Not to mention the fact that a mother's love is unconditional!

Curt is crabby lately, then sweet two seconds later, but it's my fault. I couldn't tell you how, but that's his claim to fame. I'll worry about that after I clean the floors ;-)

And me, well I'm not too bald and I haven't hopped out the bathroom window when I've retreated there so I must be doing super!! Okay, maybe just great since I have thought about those things ;-) I started working out again, or I guess you could say playing w/ the Wii-lol. I am a little over 4 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight now--thanks no dairy! And the arms are sore from my multiple knockouts w/ the boxing. Yeah, I'm unbeatable (I'm not counting two weeks post-partum boxing against Curt's dad ;-)

But seriously, things are going great. I'll take a snappy husband and a sassy daughter and a son that likes to eat every 45 minutes come 7 at night over anything else! This is the life I've always wanted and I never imagined I'd feel such at peace, even when my world is spinning. I was made for this. I was made to be a mom of two-a magnificent son and daughter. The husband is the icing on the cake...without dairy.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Halloween was definitely fun in our house! We had my nephew Hayden and my niece Mercedes (AKA laila's "best friends") over and all headed out in the wagon. It took a bit for Laila to realize what kind of goodies were involved when the words "trick or treat" came out, and from then on she was game!! We went to our first house and we told the kids they have to say trick or treat really loud and Laila said, all panicky, "We have to say thank you, too!!". My polite little princess.

Evan was awake for some of the walk and then I handed him over sleeping to my sis who had a cat face and when he woke he just could not figure her out. The night went well, enough candy, but not too much. I am so being tortured w/ it since I can't eat it so I'm sending it off to Curt's work w/ him on Monday. Enjoy the pictures and I hope everyone else had a good evening!

this post needs no words.....

made it through yesterday

Yesterday was m/c and infant loss remembrance day. October is such a hard month for me already. We had our first m/c the 2nd of Oct in 2006 and our last, our fourth, Oct 21st 2007. I guess maybe I should look at it as a closure. We spent a year of going through hell and it ended that month, a year later. It saddens me to still know every one of my due dates and think of what I'd have right now-a 4 month old up to a 1 1/2 year old. Crazy to think of the what-ifs. I find myself wondering if the little boy we lost in July would have looked like Evan-I know I torture myself.

I lit my candle at 7p.m. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. I turned around in the kitchen and cleaned up Laila's leftover dinner on her plate and I teared up over how blessed I was that I am cleaning off my kids plate. SO many moms out there can't even do that. Then I went into Laila's room where Curt was wrestling w/ the dog and Laila was playing peek-a-boo w/ Evan who was laying on her bed. My amazing, but crazy, family. I climbed on the bed and kissed Evan's pudgy little cheeks while he squirmed away and then wrestled Laila to the ground and enjoyed every single second of it. I'm lucky, and my candle continued to burn for my little angel babies and all the worlds little angels.

I had been dreading this month and the day, but I survived it well. I've been thinking a lot of my angels lately. Not really sure why, but I think part of it is cause I still look in awe at Evan that he is truly here and I wonder a little on why he is here and none of the other 4 are. I let my imagination go and I think he was in a pow wow up in heaven w/ his brothers and sisters and decided he wanted this family bad. Had a heart to heart w/ God and said it was time we had another baby to hold. I know, pretty silly, but it makes me feel good. And here he is, full of smiles and coos, safe and healthy in my arms. I wonder if 20 years down the road I will still light a candle. I know I will forever remember and think of my little ones and I will never take for granted the life I was dealt and I am so thankful to God for blessing me,- us, so abundantly.

It's been awhile...

I cannot believe how busy it is w/ two kids!! When I have a free moment, I'm either cleaning or enjoying that free moment.

SO things were off to a rough start for a little bit there. Evan got a bad diaper rash, which the ped thought was something I was eating. Low and behold I take out dairy and eggs and he is 100 times better. I guess the havoc he wrecked on my body didn't end w/ birth! I am really bored w/ my diet, but I love the different baby I created w/ it. He was pretty fussy, gassy and pukey and needed to be held so much and now he can be alone a little longer than the 5 seconds he used to only be able to-lol. Plus he's smiling like crazy and cooing so I think he realized the world outside of mom's arms isn't too bad after all. But, in my arms is still his favorite spot-thank heavens for the sling my friend made me! He's also grown like a weed w/ a pound a week! He's at about 13 pounds now and was 10 at only 3 weeks old!! He's my big boy that's for sure w/ the chubbiest yummiest cheeks ever!

Laila is doing great in pre-school. She'll kiss Evan good-bye some days and not me (sniff, sniff). She's a super big sis and very helpful. I swear it was as if she knew exactly what having a little baby was going to entail. Now I just need to be more patient w/ her and her life would be grand :-( I'm working on it and when I'm crabby she'll tell me it will be okay and that she forgives me! She's too much.

As for me, my 6 week check-up went great. I was told I don't even look like a baby came out of me (well, my MW was more specific on what area didn't look that way..so use your imagination). I'm only 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight-YAY!! I feel almost 100% normal now except for the up and down emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat over sappy things. I still will cry sometimes in disbelief of the family we created and were so blessed w/. Curt and I are on such a different level. It's like we understand each other more and just go together so well. Life is fitting together perfectly for us. There is nothing more we could ask for that is of major importance. We are having a hard time thinking about not having any more kids. We are done, but I can't shake the annoyance I feel that some of that choice isn't mine to make. For one the risk of another m/c or 4 for that matter is not something my heart could handle I don't think. And the whole FX thing is a big weight should we decide to have another. Curt also won't trust anything, even getting himself fixed. I understand since we are so fertile, but what are we going to do about it?!?! The man is too paranoid for his own good-lol.

Here are some pics of the last month of our family.

Professional ones (I will never get family pics done at one week post-partum!)

Laila's First Day of School

She did great! Evan and mom--not so much.

Evan chose to go from sleeping soundly to a screaming mess right before we walked out the door. I couldn't find my keys either, but we made it, on time, and Evan was sleeping by the time we got there-shoo! Laila went right in, sat down and played w/ two other girls. After a quick kiss (initiated by me), I was long forgotten-well I went back for another kiss and hug right before I left the room. I sobbed the whole way out through the corridor, to the car and all the way home until I called Curt and said that was the LAST first day of school I ever did again! My little tiny baby Laila is growing up!!!

Pick up: She was busy singing songs while I spied in. Super cute! The teachers said she did great and the three girls played well together and will probably be "the chatty ones" Uh-Oh!! Glad she wasn't too shy though. This is how the conversation went:

Did you have fun?--head nod

Did you sing songs? another head nod

What else did you do? smiles

Phone call to dad:

"Eberhardt (teacher) had us go in there and we played basketball and we sat in a circle and we passed it around"

Don't ask me why dad got a much bigger explanation, but he did!!

Then we went on a picnic to the park and she's mellowing out on the couch now. My little girl is getting so big!!

I'm done crying for now ;-)

Our baby is here!

A (BIG) boy!!! Evan Wayne arrived w/ a small cry at 9:35 a.m., Tuesday August 26th. Weighing 8 pounds, 1 1/2 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. I have to say I wasn't too surprised by his size cause I sure felt every 1/2 ounce and inch of him!!!! Below is my birth story and some pics below that. Thanks for every one's prayers on our miracle. There isn't a doubt in my mind that you all had a hand in his creation!

After having on and off contractions for over two weeks, they started to intensify Monday after my appointment. Most of them I was able to "ignore", but a few I had to concentrate through. I went to bed hoping it was coming for real cause induction was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I woke up about 5 times in the night to contractions-they kept making me go pee. When I woke at 6 to a pretty tough one, I thought "here we go again w/ an hour of painful ones only for them to stop" and I told Curt I was getting so sick of this! but they did not go away and only got worse. By the time Curt got out of the shower I was being hit pretty bad w/ them about 45 seconds long and 3-4 minutes apart. BUT...crazy person I am, I sent Curt off to work not believing this was it. He left at 6:45 and I realized soon after that this was major intense contractions that were probably not going to stop. I called him home after him only being punched in about 10 minutes and told him not to get mad if it was a false alarm. But he was no dummy-he knew me better than I did. He said he cried the whole way home in excitement for his baby to come. Meanwhile I was crying in pain-lol. I called my mom and dad and sister then to give them the heads up that this was it and we would leave off soon to the hospital. Laila woke up right when he got home and we told her the baby was coming. She gave us the most excited face and hugged my belly. Curt paged the midwife and she said they'd call her when we got to the hospital. Curt was rubbing my back through contractions while trying to get the bags together. If Curt wasn't there and I had another contraction (half sprawled across the kitchen table) Laila would come and rub my back. She was super cute. About 7:45 I had a meltdown, crying about not wanting to go to the hospital and being stuck on a bed so Curt said we didn't have to go right away...which ended up being a bad idea later. At that point they were about 2 minutes apart and lasting a minute or longer it seemed. I kept saying I didn't remember them hurting so bad w/ Laila. I even told Curt not to be mad at me if I got drugs-not that he would but that was not our plan. Curt's mom came and got Laila and I realized that we waited a bit too long. The baby was coming and I was in super pain...much much more than I had w/ Laila and the contractions were pretty long. I had no break in between cause my back just continued to hurt. I was very noisy during them too. Curt joked how it sounded like pleasure moans and I said "I wish it felt like that!" I had back labor the whole time, but I could feel my stomach contractions, too, which made me keep feeling like I had a full bladder, but I could not "go". SO we headed off to the hospital about 8:15 and the car ride was pure hell. I was telling Curt to not stop and I was serious-I wanted him to go down the shoulder. I sat normal, but was very loud!Curt made a comment about how we were finally at this point of getting to hold our baby we waited so long for. I took that moment to remember each individual life we lost trying to get to this one. Part of me thanked them, for this baby would not be here and part of me still missed them terribly. We both knew why I began another meltdown. We still could not believe we were at this point of being so close to holding our little one.


About 3 miles from the hospital I felt the baby move and literally bear down. I told Curt "it is coming and we waited too long". We got off the freeway and were half a mile from the hospital and I paged my midwife again cause I knew this baby was coming fast. She said she was on her way. I knew if I waited for them to call her once I got there she would not be there in time. We pulled into the hospital about 8:30. I got out of the car and could not walk-the pressure was extremely painful. Curt offered to carry me as he had a bag, video camera and pillow in his arms. Had I not known him carrying me would cause more pain, I would have tried it just to get a laugh. I walked slowly in, holding my crotch most of the steps and stopping every so often to deal w/ contractions. Of course we got lost trying to find labor and delivery dealing w/ contractions less than a minute apart. Curt went off to find someone and after two male doctors walked right past me, mid-moans and rocking against the wall, a lady doc helped us. She walked us right up to the L&D floor and right in. A resident doc was on the phone w/ my My midwife as I walked in and asked if I was Lisa Brown. I got ushered right into the registration room, signed one paper and was then sent off to the delivery room. I did not even have to go into triage thankfully. I made it into the bed about 8:45. My midwife had told them I did not need an IV so that was nice to not have to deal w/ that. I layed on my side and informed the nurse that this was our last baby and I was not doing this again. I kept saying this hurts and I can't do it. Someone came in and was asking my history and the number of pregnancies which almost sent me on another meltdown, but the contractions kept me focused on other thoughts. An U/S confirmed baby was head down, but still "up there". I was not wanting to hear that. I was checked and was told I was a 5 or 6. Major bummer since I was hoping I'd be at least a 7, especially after waiting so long to head off to the hospital. I told the resident doctor that and she said that I maybe could be at a 7 since I was "stretchy" after checking further. I am not sure if she just said that or not. This is where my major doubt started. I knew it could be a while before I could push and I was in major pain. I told Curt I could not do this. The pain was much higher than Laila's. I think I had such doubt partly because of this, but also because I had such great support that it made me a little weaker than w/ Laila. I didn't have to fight through the docs and nurses doubts this time. My midwife arrived about 9:00. It was so calming. Everyone in the room was calm and I could hear my midwife asking if she had time to change and then joking about how she did until my water broke. I was told my water was bulging so we knew it would be soon. At 9:10 it broke and I told them and they said to push through it so I did. I was still at a 7 and I told my midwife that I could not do this. She had me go on all fours facing the back of the bed to try and get the baby to move down. She was right there with me, hands on my very sweaty back and telling me how to breath and to rest my forehead in her hand. I could not believe the support they were giving me. She got cold cloths for my back and was just so calming to me. Curt just kept rubbing my hair and my back. The midwife showed him how to put pressure on my back cause at that point I could not stand the rubbing any more. I was definitely demanding of what I wanted and how, but I wasn't sure what would work. AT one point I told him to stop rubbing me, so he did and then I yelled for him to not stop. I also told him to rub my hair, but not to touch my forehead. It hurt so bad every time the baby moved down and I was a mess. It was then they said to try pushing. I went on my back and my MW had me move sides a little w/ each push to maneuver the baby down. I pushed a few times and they got a mirror for me to watch. The midwife showed me where the head was. At that point the mirror was not helpful cause I so wanted to see the head half out!! But it was nice cause we were able to see the progress with every push. I had my fingers entangled around the neck of Curt's shirt and he asked if I wanted his hand, but I just couldn't move. My midwife sat back and everything was so tranquil and calm-as much as it could be. I kept asking how much longer and saying I couldn't do it. Curt kept telling me it was soon, but I wanted to yell at him to stop cause I didn't trust him. I wanted my MW to tell me when! I was told it was up to me to push past the burning. I so didn't want that part in my hands, but I had no choice-lol. I kept saying "Debra, I can't do this, how much longer" She said she thought about a few more pushes to bring the head down. It took about 10 or so pushes to get the head to crown and at that point I said "Fffffffffffffffffffffffffff" and the MW and nurse laughed and said "yep-this is the right time for the F-word". But I didn't let it out so kudos to me-lol. I pushed about 3-4 more times and the head came out and what a relief I just layed there and stared at it in awe. The MW never once pulled on the head or really even touched me. I must have sat there for a while cause they asked then if I wanted to push the rest of the baby out and I said "If I have to" and they all laughed.


A few more pushes and out his shoulders came and he was on my chest. I immediately held his head and wrapped my fingers around his fingers. I cried so hard tears of joy while Curt was crying and saying "we finally have a baby, we made it". The bliss was indescribable. I could not believe we had this moment. We worked so hard and had so many heartaches to get to this point and all those emotions hit us at once. I was in Heaven. He gave a stuttering cry, until both Curt and I began talking to him and he just stared. He was so precious. He never left my chest for about 45 minutes straight, except for brief seconds when Curt lifted him up to hold him and have "his turn". I did not even notice them doing the APGAR tests on him while he was on me, but they did (9 for both tests). The MW waited for the cord to stop pulsating and Curt got to cut it. We breastfed 10 minutes after birth. Then I pushed out the placenta. Soon after that someone mentioned if he was a boy and the midwife looked and he was. I already knew he was-there was no mistaking his face was that of a handsome boy. They then asked if they could rent Curt out! He was beyond awesome in his support-you can see in the pics how his face resembles mine as if he was right there w/ the no pain no gain feeling I felt. The nurse commented on how I had a "patience" for pain. I looked at her like she was crazy! I ended up w/ a second degree tear, but I knew my midwife was trying to avoid anything. So she gave me a local and began stitching me. OUCH!! Some of the parts were not numbed so I had to endure about 2-3 stitches med-free. So not fun. At least I had my baby for some distraction. Then we realized I had some "skid marks" as the MW called them, where the skin at the top stretched too far and it had very small "tears" that burned pretty bad. It was then that they weighed and measured him so the pain and tearing all made sense! About an hour after birth I was up and Curt helped me in the shower and recovery was pretty well. It was then that they had me sign the anesthesia papers-lol. Curt then went to announce the new arrival. I guess he told Laila to tell everyone that she had a baby brother. Laila was brought in first with Curt and she immediately scrambled fast to get her present out for the baby. She was in love instantly doting over him and trying to cover him w/ a blanket. When I asked if she wanted to kiss him though, she said "no, he's dirty". I'm not sure what she saw. Then she asked me if that was the baby out of my belly and I said yes and she asked if he "hopped out of there?". ;-) Curt then went and got everyone else and by about 12 we were settled into the regular room. The delivery nursed thanked me for "letting" her be a part of the birth. She said it was one of the best births she'd had in a long time.

We came home the next day and things have been great. He's very easy going. Laila is doing awesome and wants every one that comes over to hold the baby. Curt has been beyond SUPER. I have fallen madly in love w/ him all over again. He has been on top of things like there is no tomorrow and been so helpful I can't even do hardly anything for myself. He's truly amazing.



Quick and easy-my @SS!!!!!** He was feeling them along w/ me-no that was me choking him ;-)


My baby!!!!!!!!!*****************************Daddy's in love






Big sister!***********************Our handsome guy.











Daddy's boy**********************************Going home




Going home***********************3 days old


4 days old*************************The loves of my life!