this post needs no words.....

made it through yesterday

Yesterday was m/c and infant loss remembrance day. October is such a hard month for me already. We had our first m/c the 2nd of Oct in 2006 and our last, our fourth, Oct 21st 2007. I guess maybe I should look at it as a closure. We spent a year of going through hell and it ended that month, a year later. It saddens me to still know every one of my due dates and think of what I'd have right now-a 4 month old up to a 1 1/2 year old. Crazy to think of the what-ifs. I find myself wondering if the little boy we lost in July would have looked like Evan-I know I torture myself.

I lit my candle at 7p.m. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. I turned around in the kitchen and cleaned up Laila's leftover dinner on her plate and I teared up over how blessed I was that I am cleaning off my kids plate. SO many moms out there can't even do that. Then I went into Laila's room where Curt was wrestling w/ the dog and Laila was playing peek-a-boo w/ Evan who was laying on her bed. My amazing, but crazy, family. I climbed on the bed and kissed Evan's pudgy little cheeks while he squirmed away and then wrestled Laila to the ground and enjoyed every single second of it. I'm lucky, and my candle continued to burn for my little angel babies and all the worlds little angels.

I had been dreading this month and the day, but I survived it well. I've been thinking a lot of my angels lately. Not really sure why, but I think part of it is cause I still look in awe at Evan that he is truly here and I wonder a little on why he is here and none of the other 4 are. I let my imagination go and I think he was in a pow wow up in heaven w/ his brothers and sisters and decided he wanted this family bad. Had a heart to heart w/ God and said it was time we had another baby to hold. I know, pretty silly, but it makes me feel good. And here he is, full of smiles and coos, safe and healthy in my arms. I wonder if 20 years down the road I will still light a candle. I know I will forever remember and think of my little ones and I will never take for granted the life I was dealt and I am so thankful to God for blessing me,- us, so abundantly.

It's been awhile...

I cannot believe how busy it is w/ two kids!! When I have a free moment, I'm either cleaning or enjoying that free moment.

SO things were off to a rough start for a little bit there. Evan got a bad diaper rash, which the ped thought was something I was eating. Low and behold I take out dairy and eggs and he is 100 times better. I guess the havoc he wrecked on my body didn't end w/ birth! I am really bored w/ my diet, but I love the different baby I created w/ it. He was pretty fussy, gassy and pukey and needed to be held so much and now he can be alone a little longer than the 5 seconds he used to only be able to-lol. Plus he's smiling like crazy and cooing so I think he realized the world outside of mom's arms isn't too bad after all. But, in my arms is still his favorite spot-thank heavens for the sling my friend made me! He's also grown like a weed w/ a pound a week! He's at about 13 pounds now and was 10 at only 3 weeks old!! He's my big boy that's for sure w/ the chubbiest yummiest cheeks ever!

Laila is doing great in pre-school. She'll kiss Evan good-bye some days and not me (sniff, sniff). She's a super big sis and very helpful. I swear it was as if she knew exactly what having a little baby was going to entail. Now I just need to be more patient w/ her and her life would be grand :-( I'm working on it and when I'm crabby she'll tell me it will be okay and that she forgives me! She's too much.

As for me, my 6 week check-up went great. I was told I don't even look like a baby came out of me (well, my MW was more specific on what area didn't look that way..so use your imagination). I'm only 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight-YAY!! I feel almost 100% normal now except for the up and down emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat over sappy things. I still will cry sometimes in disbelief of the family we created and were so blessed w/. Curt and I are on such a different level. It's like we understand each other more and just go together so well. Life is fitting together perfectly for us. There is nothing more we could ask for that is of major importance. We are having a hard time thinking about not having any more kids. We are done, but I can't shake the annoyance I feel that some of that choice isn't mine to make. For one the risk of another m/c or 4 for that matter is not something my heart could handle I don't think. And the whole FX thing is a big weight should we decide to have another. Curt also won't trust anything, even getting himself fixed. I understand since we are so fertile, but what are we going to do about it?!?! The man is too paranoid for his own good-lol.

Here are some pics of the last month of our family.

Professional ones (I will never get family pics done at one week post-partum!)