Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Insane week

It started w/ a pregnancy test Wednesday afternoon. I don't know what i was thinking, but when the line didn't show after a few seconds I just threw it away. We were trying to avoid getting PG and if we were it was darn near close to immaculate conception for sure! But AF was messing w/ me and not quite starting so I tested for the hell of it.

Then we found out that night that my wonderful father-in-law had passed which sent our family in a whirlwind of sadness and turmoil. This had been the worst year ever and I could not imagine that it could have gotten worse, but it did.

W/ all that stress I ignored my impending AF until Thursday night when I realized she had not kicked in yet, so I dug in the garbage and pulled the pregnancy test out. Second line-totally there. I was shocked, but still not believing it. Decided to do a digital the next morning. Sure enough, AF came in full force that morning. I almost tested still just cause I'm a freak when it comes to testing, but thought quick that w/ all we have going on that I did not want to know if I was having another chemical anyways. And with all that was going on, I missed my CD 3 blood work, which is fine cause we are still not planning to really try until next year. We hope the new year brings on a fresh wave of good luck for us w/ happy endings.

I am going to try and get my fragile X testing done. My nephew was just diagnosed w/ it and it makes a big difference in our decision to have another or not. I am really unsure what it all entails, but if we can find that out now then it would be nice to get our game plan in gear now. I am pretty much freaking out about it, but trying to brush it off since no use in worrying about something I may not even have to worry about.

Monday, October 29, 2007

saw a specialist today

We are feeling good about our plan she set in motion for us. Of course, I wished she would have found some missing (fixable) link, but something is better than nothing. As our previous regular doctor said, this is most likely a HUGE round of bad luck and we will have another baby at some point. Many of the tests and possible problems don't seem to be our issue especially since we do have Laila. But having that second opinion helps. This new doctor is also game for doing a bunch more testing on the things that most likely won't be our problem, but a great stress reliever to rule them out. I'd rather know for sure not, than to always wonder that what-if. I liked that the doctor knew how we felt in the fact that a positive pregnancy test means nothing to us at this point. We've gotten too many to count. She also joked that she was glad she was across the room from Curt cause it seems like all I have to do is look at him and we get pregnant. Very true ;-)

Some of the tests include checking my hormones to make sure all is in line and then both our chromosomes (genetic testing) just to make sure. I will be on a couple extra drugs including some to make sure my ovulation is in perfect working order and then added hormonal supplements w/ heparin (blood thinner) injections-ouch! But I do good with needles so I'm game for anything. If it involved standing on my head, singing the hokey poky-complete w/ motions, while giving myself the shots then bring it!!

Curt and I are just taking a break from it all. No charting or analyzing anything. We will avoid getting pregnant for the next couple of months to get these tests done and to give our minds a break. We are so amazingly close right now it's great. I think Curt has finally gotten to the point where i am in the whole miscarriage hell. He's tired and frustrated and just beyond angry as much as me. He said he even hates to look at random pregnant women. Don't get me wrong, we are happy for any baby, but you reach a point where you long so much to have that and be at that point that it just stings to see someone else having that opportunity. Plus it's as if this consumes us so much so ANYTHING baby related reminds us of what we don't have. I am just so happy to have Laila cause I do have pregnancy stories and birth stories. I've been there and loved every second of it all. I couldn't' imagine life right now w/o having my own story to share or remember my big ole pregnant belly.

SO that's my update. Life is great. Laila is unbelievable. We ARE truly blessed.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

My fourth miscarriage

Curt and I were PG again. We did not tell anyone. I kept this info out of my blog for that reason but made a post about and saved it in word so here it is:

Monday 10/15/07

This part of my blog will not be posted until we (hopefully) get to share our news with everyone. I still want to write about our journey and post when it’s the right time w/o letting the world know before we are ready. But, I got another positive pregnancy test!! This time it took us two months to get pregnant. I found out going w/ the flow does not work so we kicked it in high gear the next cycle. ;-) I took a test on Friday and a line showed up about 5 minutes later-so extremely faint. If you’ve been trying to conceive (TTC) you understand what I mean by analyzing anything you may see on that test. The next day I took another-the line seemed lighter than the one the day before. Hmmm? So what would any crazed tester do? Not tell her hubby and go get two more!!! Tested when I got home-definitely a line w/in the recommended time, but still so faint. I knew, from experience, that Curt would not believe the line. SO I waited until the morning (Sunday) and tested right away (best to test). Sure enough a line, but no darker than the previous days. I finally tell Curt about my uncertainty. He agrees I go get a fool-proof digital. I run out immediately-lol. Come home, hook it up, pee. Invalid test. WTF!! I almost threw it across the bathroom. I said a few choice words. Curt was glad it wasn’t him that day that pissed me off. You think w/ my attitude lately we would have just needed that to know I was PG. SO I head to the baby shower. If I was PG I really wanted to know before the shower as a little pick me up. But I’ve already had my shower and I did really well. Stood strong!! On the way home I told myself to wait to take the other test until the morning. SO what do I do? I get in the door, five minutes later I’m taking the next test. The words “pregnant” popped in what seemed like forever-so of course I analyze that. I tell Curt I have no will-power and he said maybe testing too soon will give invalid results. I say it can’t give us a false positive. He’s in the other room and gets quiet. Then says so it was positive. Yes, sir! Silence on both our ends. Then curt makes his way to the bathroom. Trying not to smile and says it’s so hard to get excited and I agree. “but it did make me smile” he says. We hug and carry on with our evening, but we are a little more happy, a little more lovey, and a little more light on our feet. But the whole time dreading a 4th m/c. It sucks. We will NEVER ever have that innocence of a positive pregnancy test where we scream for joy, talk about names and plan the nursery. Poor little Laila has no clue and it upsets us both. But what can you do besides live each day one at a time and pray hard. I’ve decided it is all in God’s hands. He knows what I want and He has the power.

Now it is October 21. One week from my great news and already the baby is gone. I had been awesome all week. I had some mild pregnancy symptoms, but they were the same ones I had w/ Laila so I was hoping that was a good sign. I had no bleeding either which was definitely a step up from my last two pregnancies. I woke up yesterday morning and had some bleeding. I didn't panic cause I just figured here we go w/ the spotting. It was disheartening, but not a shock. It picked up a little as the day wore on and then some mild cramps/twinges started. I went to bed that night hoping for the best. I woke up about 2 am w/ terrible cramps and as soon as I stood up I knew it was over. The bleeding was worse and I felt like a horrible period was coming. I did what I needed to do and laid back down. I was freaked about the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, but since the 2 extra strength Tylenol I took kicked in, I figured that wasn't the case. Curt was sound asleep, but I was just too much in pain-both physically and emotionally to lay quietly next to him and all I wanted to do was cry and get it all out. I felt like a failure, I felt too embarrassed to even tell Curt that our beloved 5th child was already gone. That again, we were back at square one. So I laid on the couch and cried myself back to sleep. I woke a few hours later and crawled back in bed telling Curt I just didn't feel good when he asked where I had been. Later this morning I told him that I was miscarrying again. We are just so frustrated. I am tired of trying to be strong. Tired of telling myself that I am so blessed w/ having Laila. Yes, I am. We are, but it is not enough. It is not what we want. I am totally pissed that I wanted 3 children, but I let these fucking miscarriages scare me into just begging God for one more. Dammit, I want three children and I don't want to back down from my dreams. I had already made an appointment w/ a fertility specialist and was going to cancel per their request if we got PG, but I hadn't cancelled yet which is good. I read that 60% of women have a m/c like this called a chemical pregnancy and don't even know it. But when you are trying and know when you ovulated, you know when your period should come. SO of course I tested instead of waiting for my period to be 5 days late. In medical terms they don't consider it a m/c, which is good because your chances for another m/c get higher w/ each one you suffer. But in my eyes and in my heart it was my baby. My tiny angel baby who was due in June. Now I will go through my second due date, November 8th, w/ 4 babies gone. I'm kind of numb. I wonder why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong? Or maybe we will find there is an issue and it will be fixed. Maybe Laila is an absolute miracle baby. I had always called her my little miracle while pregnant. Maybe that name was all too real, but I told Curt this morning that I believe in miracles then and if you can have one then it's possible to have another.

I still chose to go to the cider mill w/ our families. It was hard to keep a smile on. No one knew. I just felt like I did not want to ruin it for everyone, plus it was such a gorgeous day and the distraction would be good for me. There were quite a few pregnant women there and I just looked at their bellies and wondered if I'd ever have that again. Now I get to work all week literally surrounded by pregnant women. The teachers across, kitty-corner and next door to my room are all pregnant. And that is the only rooms by mine. I don't feel hatred or even a bad jealousy really. I've been there. I've had a successful pregnancy w/ a baby shower and ultrasounds and I brought that baby home and watched her grow. But I do look at them and long to have that moment once again.

Monday, October 15, 2007

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.
Ihate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

How I felt

This story was taken from a miscarriage book I borrowed from a wonderful group of ladies. I could not believe how much it hit home to how I truly felt during my losses and after.

She existed for 10 short weeks. I carried her within me for 6 before we even knew. But she was here and we felt her presence.

Her conception was unplanned-a overwhelming and wonderful surprise. Another child, another cry to answer, another reason to be needed, another renewal of our hopes and dreams. Another life, with so much potential. Potential never realized, for we shall never know what she could have, should have, become.

The end came suddenly, mysteriously, and mercifully fast. It came without reason…without anything concrete we can accept or understand. But she was here, and now there’s a vacant place. A place in our lives that will always be empty because it was meant to be her place. We never saw her tiny heart beat or felt her little kick feet. We never watched her movements through a growing belly or heard her joyous first sounds of her birth…but we felt her presence.

So please don’t deny us our grief. Don’t try to be kind by reminding us of our bright, fertile future, or the wonderful children with whom we’ve already been blessed. We know we’re fortunate. Please do not gently suggest that “it’s for the best” and please, please don’t try to convince us that it wasn’t meant to be”. A meaningful life was created. Here, by God’s intention. Meant to be cherished, and meant to be loved…be it for weeks, months or a human life-time. Yes, we did feel her presence. And as surely as life goes on, she was meant to be.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

In the beginning...

This is not for the faint of heart or stomach. I tell it like it is/was and leave out minimal details. I feel like people think of a miscarriage as just that a miscarriage, but they don't know the intensity of emotions and physical pain one brings. SO here it all is.

I grew up w/ a close family and they still are. I always wanted to be married and have children; 5 at one time actually(children that is). I considered myself average: finished high school, had a high school sweetheart, went to prom, put off college, etc, etc, etc. Then my life actually began to take a more serious route when I met Curt in 2003. I realized I had found what life was really all about. I had the perfect family, now I had found the perfect boyfriend. We got engaged and married in 2004. Within a week or so arriving home form our honeymoon I got baby fever. With a very minimal amount of discussion, Curt was on board w/ trying right away. We had a two month time frame to get pregnant in because of my rigorous 20 credits in college so I researched everything possible to get us preggo right away. Now I know it isn't always that easy, but I felt if we were going to have issues getting preggo then I wanted to know ASAP. I took my temperature, checked myself out in ways Curt doesn't even want to know. Plus lots of the good stuff. Low and behold...we got preggo that first month! I had this good feeling right away that we were. I tested a week early and then again 6 more times and a blood test to make Curt believe it. We were on our way to parenthood!!!!

Now, I was by no means a naive person thinking I got a positive test then all must be okay. I welcomed the throwing up cause to me that was my way of thinking things must be moving along okay in there. My mother had two miscarriages and I remember talking to her one day about how scared that I would have that happen. As any mother would, she layed on any happy thoughts and convinced me I would not have a miscarriage. As most mothers, again, she was right. Our baby grew for just about 9 months before she was placed immediately in my arms seconds after birth on July 5, 2005. Complete bliss. I was a mom to the most beautiful baby girl ever!

Within months, I had baby fever again!! We talked and decided to try around September 2006. As the months wore on Curt began to get baby fever and more and more talking led us to try in July 2006. So after just some "checking" on my part, again we were pregnant our first month. I was a lot more laid back w/ this one. AT times I even forgot I was pregnant. I had a lot less symptoms which was always in the back of my mind. So on September 1, 2006 we went in for our first ultrasound. There was the cutest polka dot ever-our second baby!! We both got to see it's little heart fluttering away. I cried and just remember putting my finger over the dot of our baby on the screen. It was another surreal moment in my life.

Shortly after that my symptoms just stopped. I was no longer tired, but yet I was working 35 hours a week that I was not used to, plus taking two classes at school. Motherhood of a one year old will exhaust alone, on top of all the events in our lives at that time. That's when I became concerned. Curt kept reassuring me that we saw the heartbeat, but I would just say but how can I go from being sick all day w/ Laila to not even being tired w/ this one. Well we waited. WHile Curt told everyone and their neighbor, I carried my secret a little better. I began to worry. We had our 10 week appointment and they tried to hear the heartbeat w/ the doppler, but found nothing. The nurse said that usually it is not detected until 12 weeks, but I insisted she try since I had heard it w/ Laila before I was even 9 weeks along. Nothing. The doctor came in and I voiced my concerns about having no symptoms and he patted me on the back and said "consider yourself one of the lucky ones" and sent me on my way. Two days alter I noticed spotting blood. I ignored it at first cause it was just the tiniest bit. The next day it was heavier. I called the doctor and was told to come in the next morning. I had no cramping, but things were not right. I was an emotional wreck.

I saw the doctor and she checked me out and sent me for an ultrasound. I laid there, told the technician what was going on, just waiting for her to show me my little 10 week old baby w/ a heart beating away and legs kicking. I wanted to know that i was one of those women who had crazy things happen, but still had a good turnout. I was told to scoot up and we were sent back to the room. I began to cry and Curt held me. The doctor came in and looked at me. I said "it's not good is it?" and she just shook her head no. I cried "oh, God" and Curt just grabbed me and held me so tight while we both cried. Through our snot, tears, and waling we asked all the questions one thinks of to ask: What did we do wrong? Why did this happen? Where do we go form here? We found out the baby had stopped living about 6 weeks in. All I could think was my angel died after I saw it living-possibly the next day or even minutes after I got up form the table and I went on to carry my dead baby for over 4 more weeks. We had an option of a surgical procedure (d&c) to remove the baby. My stomach churned at the thought of that, not only am I into the all-natural medical stuff, but I'm a major advocate for pro-life. I felt like I did not want the same procedure for my dead baby that women choose to have on their live babies. We were told the risks and sent home to pass things on my own. The doctor told us to take the week off and just cuddle. She hugged us both and told us to call if we needed anything.

Within hours things progresses and I went through the most traumatic 3 hours of my life. I had intense cramps that felt like contractions and was passing buckets of stuff-clots, blood anything. I was told I would pass a large clot and things would subside. As I sat there on the toilet letting anything that could come out go. I welcomed the pain. At least it kept my mind off of what was really happening to me, to us, to our family and even worse, my dead baby. At one point I even had to push a little and something came out and plopped to the bottom. My sweet innocent baby was gone. I was an emotional zombie. This was the point where Curt and I walked on egg shells. I wanted to talk, but couldn't hold back tears. He pushed his true feelings aside to be strong for me. Each of us holding so much inside because we did not know or could even fathom what the other needed right then. What we needed was our baby back and to go on living our normal life w/ two under two on the way.

It took about 6 weeks for my pregnancy hormone levels (hcg) to go back to where we knew everything was out and to not risk any infections. Thinking back I was pretty amazed at how well my body took care of things on it's own. It took a long time for my bleeding to stop and even when it did my periods were all wacky. We were told to wait 3 cycles to try again. We waited about 5 due to my crazy cycles and again, got pregnant with our first try. I was beyond paranoid. At time it literally felt like I was having panic attacks. We told no one except my sister. I needed someone to vent to. She listened and said what I needed her to say "I'll pray for you". I could not here "it will be okay" or "I have faith". Those words did not matter. All my thoughts and prayers were devoted to this baby. We were doing blood tests (hcg) to see if things were progressing and they did great until about 5 weeks in. It was the most stressful 2 weeks of my life. Every phone call from the doctors office about my results my stomach would just drop waiting to hear the results. It consumed me. I was not being the mother i should have been or the wife I needed to be. When I found out my levels were bad, indicating another miscarriage I almost felt relief. There was nothing else to worry about. It was over for the second time in my life. I had lost another dream. An ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat or growth.

We decided to have the d&c procedure done this time cause I was not about to wait things out and be "pregnant" for 4 weeks like the last time. The night before I had another panic attack. I questioned my decision for the d&c. What if my baby suddenly came back alive, what if a miracle happened, what if the doctors were wrong? I only got about 2 hours of sleep w/ those question burning into me. The Doctor confirmed what i already knew, there was no hope. I was then wheeled down the hall away from my comfort, Curt and into a bright cold room. The out. I woke up to tears streaming down my face and the nurse only had gauze for me to wipe my eyes with. I immediately asked for Curt and they got him shortly after. An hour of eating, recovery and discussing discharge papers I was sent home. We crawled into bed and just held each other. I felt like I got sleep that I hadn't got in weeks. Anger hit me this time first, then shock then my sadness came about 3 days after the d&c where I just lost it. I saw it coming. I had my sister watch Laila and I just went back home and cried in my basement. Cried for both our losses; each special in their own way, cried for our life, cried for being a not so good mother to Laila, cried for my life to be calmed. Cried to wake up and find out it was all a dream and I was either 7 weeks pregnant or 6 months and still due in April. No such thing. It felt good to release.

I recovered really well w/ very minimal bleeding or cycle changes. Two cycles later we tried again. The doctors told us to wait one while some said try right away. We figured, let's be safe and wait two. Again, lucky us first month pregnant again. I got the positive test father's day weekend June 2007. We were excited, but very subdued about it. I felt good about things. I really felt this one would be okay. I prayed hard. Two days later bleeding started. It lasted for about 2 days then taped off. Curt's hopes were immediately diminished, but I still held out. Blood tests and an early ultrasound showed we were ahead and things were going great. We decided to not have any other testing done until we hit 7 weeks-the point we've only made it to w/ Laila. I got my levels checked the day before the ultrasound to give a little heads up as to whether things might be good or bad. The levels were really good. I still went into the ultrasound with fear, but enough hope to bring a recorder to record the heartbeat on the screen. Again, I chatted with the nurse then was told to scoot up w/o seeing anything. I thought the worse, but they fit me i for the ultrasound and I knew she was in a hurry so a smidgen held out hope that I was just being rushed along. The doctor came in the room, patted Cur ton the back and said "here we go again". I said "I'm so fucking sick of this". I was so angered. I told the doctor I wanted to stop at nothing and exhaust every test possible to figure out what was happening. The first baby resulted in no answers cause i let it go at home, the second was so deteriorated by the time the d&c happened that there was nothing to test. This one we needed answers. We got them. 4 weeks post d&c the doctor called. Normal fetus. Nothing wrong. Bad luck. Keep trying. What the fuck? You're telling me that i can have a beautiful perfect little girl and go on to miscarry 3 more and it's all fine? No way. I got a test done to check my uterus and fallopian tubes, I was put on extra folic acid, vitamin B-12 and continued with the prenatal, B-6 and baby aspirin I was on the help fix any other problem after the first miscarriage. No test seemed to find anything we could fix. It was so frustrating.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Hello everyone. This is my first post on my first (real) blog. I thought hard about doing a blog cause I was unsure how I felt about sharing our "life journey" to the public. And if you aren't going to share the truth, then what's the point of a blog? Then I thought it may help to open some eyes about "a different world". A world that many have been through, but most close to us have not. See, Curt and I have suffered 3 miscarriages (m/c) in about a 9 month time frame from October 2006 to July 2007. These trials have turned our lives up-side down in many ways. Each one has brought us closer and sometimes further apart. But through each we have learned how much life is so very precious and how much we need each other and Laila even more. This blog is about the inner thoughts of a mom just dying to hold another baby of her own and stopping at nothing to get there-no matter how exhausting, frustrating and angry the road may lead.

So if anything, if you read my blog I hope you see more of how it feels to be inside the mind of a woman suffering and having her heart still ache everyday-no matter how put together, happy or calm she may look. This is not just the life of a woman who suffered three miscarriages. This is the journey of a close family taking life one day at a time aching for their babies in heaven, true babies with all the love and dreams we had to offer, while still loving all that we DO have on earth. my life.