made it through yesterday

Yesterday was m/c and infant loss remembrance day. October is such a hard month for me already. We had our first m/c the 2nd of Oct in 2006 and our last, our fourth, Oct 21st 2007. I guess maybe I should look at it as a closure. We spent a year of going through hell and it ended that month, a year later. It saddens me to still know every one of my due dates and think of what I'd have right now-a 4 month old up to a 1 1/2 year old. Crazy to think of the what-ifs. I find myself wondering if the little boy we lost in July would have looked like Evan-I know I torture myself.

I lit my candle at 7p.m. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. I turned around in the kitchen and cleaned up Laila's leftover dinner on her plate and I teared up over how blessed I was that I am cleaning off my kids plate. SO many moms out there can't even do that. Then I went into Laila's room where Curt was wrestling w/ the dog and Laila was playing peek-a-boo w/ Evan who was laying on her bed. My amazing, but crazy, family. I climbed on the bed and kissed Evan's pudgy little cheeks while he squirmed away and then wrestled Laila to the ground and enjoyed every single second of it. I'm lucky, and my candle continued to burn for my little angel babies and all the worlds little angels.

I had been dreading this month and the day, but I survived it well. I've been thinking a lot of my angels lately. Not really sure why, but I think part of it is cause I still look in awe at Evan that he is truly here and I wonder a little on why he is here and none of the other 4 are. I let my imagination go and I think he was in a pow wow up in heaven w/ his brothers and sisters and decided he wanted this family bad. Had a heart to heart w/ God and said it was time we had another baby to hold. I know, pretty silly, but it makes me feel good. And here he is, full of smiles and coos, safe and healthy in my arms. I wonder if 20 years down the road I will still light a candle. I know I will forever remember and think of my little ones and I will never take for granted the life I was dealt and I am so thankful to God for blessing me,- us, so abundantly.