Monday, March 11, 2013

Time flies when....

you're a mom, a wife, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, a student, a runner, a friend, a daughter, and....when you're having fun being ALL of those things. Wow. Four years have gone by since I last wrote. Okay maybe not that long, but pretty much. I basically closed my blog to public then figured, what was the point of writing anyway then?! Well...last I left off Evan was a baby I think. He's not any more!! Almost 5, kindergarten next year, full of attitude and control-freakishness. For the record, I have NO idea what-so-ever where he gets that from. Must be his daddy ;)  Laila was 4ish. She's 7 1/2. Yes, better not forget the 1/2. Such an amazing young lady full of attitude too. Again, from her daddy. I cannot contain myself in how blessed I am to have these little beings in my life. And the big dude. He's pretty darn awesome too. Full of drive, love and attitude. Don't forget the attitude. See? I told you the kids get it from him. Proof right there baby.

As for me, I love being a mom. Back in school cause I have yet to fulfill my other dream of being a teacher. One day. I swear. One day I will be Mrs. Brown the teacher. The desire is in full force. Could be that Evan is going to be in school full time and I BETTER do something else because the above things listed in the first sentence of this blog are surely not enough. No. They really aren't. I never wanted to be a stay at home. Then my baby girl came. What on earth was I ever thinking I would not LIVE EVERY BREATH for this thing. So of course, stay at home mommy I became and loved, and I mean LOVED every moment of it. Was it hard? Oh yeah. But worth all of it? Heck yeah! So...when I say my dream of being a teacher rates right up there with being a stay at home mom...I mean that teaching would be a major dream come true. I fill out applications for jobs and cry. I practice my lessons on my kids and cry. I get all giddy to help in the school (and yes, I cry a little). I feel it way down deep in my bones. I was BORN to teach. Not my own kids. Oh hell no. But everyone else kids? Bring 'em on!! I once sat across from a principal stating my strong desire to teach. I began to cry. Totally embarrassed. Then she cried and it was all good :)

I also run. A little. Back in October it was a lot. Then the cold hit and now it is a little hoping to be a lot. Soon. I heard birds out there recently so I will get my long runs back!

I guess back to life as we know it. I have no idea why I am starting this back up. Maybe it will be boring and I will say I surely can't fit "blogger" in the above sentence too!! (What is blogger anyway? Someone who just blogs or someone who REALLY blogs?).  This blog started out as a release for my pain through all my losses. And holy crap there were many. Too many, but the mountains we overcame and the people, family and spouses we are because of it? I would never in a million years change a thing. A friend recently had an analogy about miscarriage. It's like a scrape on your arm. It heals. There will probably always be a scar. Sometimes before that scar comes and it is healing, it may break open again. Maybe bleed or just sting. It may do it a few times, but eventually it will heal and a scar will form. You will always notice the scar. You will always remember how it got there. That is 100% true. There is still that wound, Healed for sure. Scarred over? yes. But it can still break open. And man that hits you out of no where sometimes! It has been a while since I have felt the raw pain from the losses. Years maybe even. But then a moment hits you. Like when I walked into my first day of my class this semester at college. My stomach clenched. I felt an aura come over me something awful. Then I realized that classroom was the class that I lost my first baby in back in 2006. I wasn't IN class, but I started that class pregnant, came back the next week not. And I didn't break down. It was almost healing to realize the sour feeling. I understood. Damn right I would feel that way, but damn right I have come so far since then. I don't pass every due date anymore and think "I would have had a X year old too". I don't realize it is an "anniversary" of a loss every.time. Some dates, yes, but most I don't. Finally for Evan's fourth birthday I didn't cry. I didn't look at him with tears in my eyes, hugging him till he begged me to stop because I STILL could not believe he was HERE. MINE!! How I love that word. Mine. He is all mine. Okay, yes I share him. A little. Don't ask my mom though. She will say I never do. But anyway. I didn't blubber like a baby, thanking God he is here. Nope. All that came a few days later ;) At least he can say for the first time in his four years mommy didn't practically smother him on his birthday. No promises for the big 5 son.

So...I am thinking this will be a new blog about my normal life now. My transition from getting my groove back with running to being a half-marathoner. My transition from stay at home mom, to mom who subs and begs for a teaching job.  From being insane wife who complains all the time to being insane wife who complains all the time. Yes, no typos there. He's loved me for almost 9 years being that so why would I disappoint him and become someone new?! No, really. I have complained a LOT less these last few years. When your hubby spends 6 months off work and you CRY the day he goes back cause you're gonna miss him something terrible? Yeah. You realize you got it bad for that guy. Plus he's pretty darn cute. And he promised to start cleaning the bathrooms for me. All those combined make for a pretty good catch :)

So enjoy. Or yawn and say "why did she ever open this up again?". We shall see where it goes :)

5 comments:

Kimberly Anderson said...

Rick on girl! Blog away....I love it!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Lisa. I began to cry reading this, then I felt a smile through all of your truth :) Blessed to call you my friend. You will be Mrs. Brown in due time. I believe it. I am still making a trek through past emails to find Laila's video ;) which is how I came across your blog! Love, Amy

Anonymous said...

Teacher, Mrs. Brown!

lifejourney said...

Thank you all! Amy it is under March 2008. One of those posts.

MsGrnEyz said...

Sounds like we are in similar boats about how to shape our blogs to who we are now ;)