12/22/07; 12/28/07; 1/5/08

12-22-07

No fu**ing way!! Those were the words I said when I saw that line show up on my pregnancy test 12-20-07. I had 3 digitals in the house so I said what the heck, better make sure although I swore the internet cheapie must be wrong. The word “pregnant” popped up in a minute. I hate to be blunt here, but the whole doctors office, my sis and friends and my regular doctor know this so why not?? The last time we had sex was 5 days before I ovulated. Things just don’t happen like that. Yes, fertility books say sperm can live in fertile environment for up to 5 days. But it is just crazy that it was the max. I think Curt is a little proud of his super man powers in that sense ;-) But quite bummed at the lack of crazy TTC duties he usually gets. It boggles my mind that two people can be so extremely fertile in the way of getting pregnant, but have more bad luck carrying a baby to term than good luck. Life is truly weird.

So after staring at my digital about 20 more times and using the F word about equally so, I really freaked. Within a week of my positive test I had: drank, took Nyquil, took Claritin, took benadryl, took antibiotics, and got a steroid shot to reverse the allergic reaction to the antibiotics that I got. How on earth could things ever be fine w/ all that I shoved into my body. Someone told me to think crack whores. If they can do it, I may have a chance. So I repeated my mantra all day “crack whores can” “crack whores can”. I went in for a beta-all was good. Actually a fairly high number for where I was. Told Curt who flipped out just like I had. After we got a hold of ourselves, we came to terms with the fact that we can only take things one day at a time.

I also began lovenox (blood thinner) injections. Those are insane. I am great w/ shots and giving blood, but injecting your self is a whole different story. The first couple were okay then I had one that bruised me the size of an egg. I’ve never seen such a pretty color of purple and red mix ;-)

12/28/07

So far so good. My betas (blood work) are doubling great. I’ve had some nausea spells and I’m really tired. As long as my blood work goes well tomorrow, we’ll probably schedule an ultrasound and then go from there. I’m nervous about it all and still in shock. We weren’t ready to be pregnant yet, let alone go through another m/c. Which for starters, who ever is ready for one and I just pray that this is our second miracle baby that I will meet in August. I almost feel like at the rate I’m going, I’m going to have a due date or a m/c anniversary in every month.

01/05/08 Happy 2 ½ Birthday to Laila!!!!

Well, today marks 6 weeks. We have never made it past 6 weeks 1 day. I am so trying not to freak out, but it’s too damn hard not to. Our heart and soul are already so invested into this baby. I have an ultrasound on Thursday 1/10. Sometimes I feel like everything has to be okay cause how can someone have 5 losses in 13 months, but then I think there may be something wrong w/ us and we’ll keep having them until we get “fixed”. I’m just dreading the thought of another and thinking about how I will react this time if it happens again. I will survive as I have through the first 4, but I really don’t know how much more my heart can take. There is one more thing we can do to rule out any issues so that may be the next step and then should it happen again, I think it would be time for a major discussion about adoption. I haven’t told anyone when my ultrasound is because I just don’t want to deal w/ phone calls or knowing people are waiting to hear the results. If it’s good, we want to live in that moment as long as we can and if it’s bad we need our time to grasp it all.

So hopefully, my life does not take that route. I am praying hard and trying to focus on other events in my life. I’m really tired all the time so I don’t feel like doing much to keep myself busy. And Laila doesn’t like to share the TV so cartoons don’t really do much at keeping my mind off things ;-) Curt has been great. All the pregnancies we don’t talk about so we tend to kind of forget that I’m pregnant and still have mood swings and emotions on top of the stress our history brings us anyway. But he’s been very understanding and remembering that things may not turn out well, but for now I am still pregnant w/ hormones and symptoms.