Per my friends request ;-)

12 week belly picture. I pop waaaay too early, but love it! ANd miss Laila who thinks she has a baby in her belly too!

And this is the best I can do for our U/S pic at 12 weeks 4 days. Head is to the left and legs are to the right. The little hand looking thing in the middle (looks like baby is saying rock on!) is it's hand and it's head.

Intresting thoughts about God yesterday

I know through all my miscarriages I was up and down w/ blaming God in a way and asking why so many times, while arguing with myself that deep down I knew He would not hurt me intentionally. Well yesterday a thought came to me. As parents we walk beside our children and we can be right next to them, and even holding their hands, and yet they still manage to fall. I know! I've been there and done that with Laila-lol. But what do we do as parents? We pick them up, dust them off, and kiss away their boo boos and/or dry their tears. And even some falls bring tears to our eyes or even worse-we cry harder than them. I've been there too w/ Laila (yes, she's a bruiser). Cause I think as parents it is more important to not be so hovering that we try to stop every fall, every heartache or every boo boo. Cause for one we just can't. Not possible. But I feel the most important thing is that we are truly there for them when they need it most. To cry with them or clean off a scrape. Whatever it may be and then, even if it was their 100th fall on the same step, we are still beside them and supporting them.

I finally realized what I had been trying to get in my head for the last year, even with heartaches not caused from the miscarriages. God was not "doing" this to me. He was not "letting" me fall. He was there, as my parent, and picking up my pieces and wiping away my tears (and gosh there were so many-He probably should have put stock in Kleenex brand). He was there when no one else was or no one knew I needed someone. He was there still as I blamed Him or myself for what "happened". He lead me to a greater path and was still kissing my boo boos as I got there. He brought me up when I wanted to just crumble and showed me Laila and Curt and my family and made me realize I really am blessed no matter if our dreams are ever completely fulfilled. He made me realize that I will NEVER be alone and not just because of my angels in heaven watching over me, but because of Him alone. He may not catch me when I fall, even though I may be falling for a long time, but He will ALWAYS be there to dust me off, help me back up, and guide me down the next road I must take. Even if it is a road He is not too proud of, He will still be beside me.

Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Proverbs 30:5 NIV

Thank you and update

If you got my email, you know the update. But I just want to say soooooo many thanks to everyone who has responded to our email and for the continued prayers you all have given. I have to say I was surprised at how many of you feel so deeply with us on this. We know you all love us, but to know you're right on board with our fears and excitement is just nice to know. It can feel like a lonely road in a way, but knowing we have so many rooting for us is just awesome!! SO thanks beyond words can ever express!!!! We have an awesome family and it just gets greater with every connection!

As for the update. On Valentine's Day we headed off to the doctor for another ultrasound. I have been hearing the heartbeat, but was still nervous about it. I kept thinking that what if the baby stopped growing, but it was just a matter of waiting for the heart to stop. I really truly wonder if I will ever just deep down KNOW that I will hold this baby in August---alive. Anyway, everything was good. Measurments are right on, heartbeat going good. It looks much more like a baby. We saw the eyes; the arms and legs looked like arms and legs and not stubs. We even saw the outline of the neck and jaw. SO very cute. (I'll post the picture soon, but my scanner doesn't work so the picture looks nothing like our baby). All is good!! Placenta is still low, but that is expected to not move until possibly even later than our big ultrasound at 20 weeks. The tech even gave Laila her very own picture of her little sibling to take home. SHe loved it. I know she doesn't get the part about being a big sister, but she did talk to my belly and knows there is a baby in there. I just don't think she really quite gets it, but w/ little miss smarty pants, who knows!!

I got tagged by my awesoem blogging friend forever ago and now I'm just getting to it. Here goes!

So, here are the rules:- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.- Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.- Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are my 7 random things!
* I am a Michael Jackson fanatic! I actually just bought one of his greatist hits CD's today-as if I don't have all of these songs on CD's tapes, possibly records and burned CD's. Gotta love my man!!!
*I hate hate hate my flabby arms. I am seriously considering lipo when this baby comes out. I'm not kidding. Why not add another major bill once we pay off school?!?!?
*I seriously think Laila is the cutest kid ever. I know I'm biased, but come on she really is.
*I would love to learn how to break dance. Complete w/ that whole robot dance and all. Maybe my flabby arms would go away then, too?
*If I could be ANYTHING in the world, it would be an ice skater. I always thought they were awesome.
*I am going to try and sell my wedding dress, but I know I will cry hard if I do sell it.
*Funny-seven is my favorite #!

And the 7 people I am tagging are:
whomever wants to do it. I don't have links yet in my blog, but please let me know if you read mine and do this. I'd love to read your answers!

Heard the heartbeat!

My doppler arrived on Friday and I went to town. Couldn't get it at lunch and then had to go back to work. Took all i had to not worry my head off and think "it's over". Come home and I get it so faint, but 3 different times. So of course, I question that it wasn't another thing in my body. really! As if there is something similar sounding excatly to a baby's heartbeat at approximatly 167 beats per minute. I'm not even going to ask myself when will I relax! But I've heard it every day since and it's gotten easier and louder and longer. I'm crazy in love!

THANK YOU GOD for blessing us so immensly in life! You are truly amazing!

Bad day

Yesterday I felt so sick-which is a good normal thing-lol. But I just have a lot on my mind. I am really stressing over the FX stuff. I got my #'s back. They look okay, but now I know more of our chance for having a child affected by this. The imagined road is just scary. I don't know whether to hold on to that 50% chance this baby doesn't have FX and think positive or try and sink it in so it isn't so hard when the time comes. Thinking positive is great for now, but bad in the long run. And thinking negative is bad for now, but probably better in the long run. I don't know which is best for me.

Plus this pregnancy is exciting to us regardless. I am overjoyed at finally being at this point. Yes, I still think in my head that it isn't guranteed good, but so far it is so I'm going w/ that. It is really hurtful when people can't be just overjoyed for us. It's like whoopey do to them. And yes, no one will EVER be as excited as we are-we walked (or crawled) the road we took so no one has that added emotion involved or at least the same amount. Plus, we're the baby's parents. It's just naturally more exciting for us-lol. I want to hear congrats, I want to hear how hopeful you are for us. Not "okay, so you're pregnant". SMACK. Yep, that's what I want to do. I so get that people are unsure if they should jump for joy or get down and pray hard, but at least say "I hope it goes well" or "Keep me posted". SO I've decided, I do not care (although I do). This is our time, our pregnancy and those who truly helped walk this road and prayed almost as hard, are the ones who were exstatic to know and are exstatic to hear about every little detail. My sister-in-law, Jessie, said she got chills to hear about it's little arms and legs. I almost cried!! That was so sweet and to know our excitement gave someone else chills like we get when we think of the life growing inside of us. Not to mention our parents and my sister's excitement over every moment. So, it is your loss in your lack of emotion on this. Not mine.

I'm done w/ my vent.