I know through all my miscarriages I was up and down w/ blaming God in a way and asking why so many times, while arguing with myself that deep down I knew He would not hurt me intentionally. Well yesterday a thought came to me. As parents we walk beside our children and we can be right next to them, and even holding their hands, and yet they still manage to fall. I know! I've been there and done that with Laila-lol. But what do we do as parents? We pick them up, dust them off, and kiss away their boo boos and/or dry their tears. And even some falls bring tears to our eyes or even worse-we cry harder than them. I've been there too w/ Laila (yes, she's a bruiser). Cause I think as parents it is more important to not be so hovering that we try to stop every fall, every heartache or every boo boo. Cause for one we just can't. Not possible. But I feel the most important thing is that we are truly there for them when they need it most. To cry with them or clean off a scrape. Whatever it may be and then, even if it was their 100th fall on the same step, we are still beside them and supporting them.
I finally realized what I had been trying to get in my head for the last year, even with heartaches not caused from the miscarriages. God was not "doing" this to me. He was not "letting" me fall. He was there, as my parent, and picking up my pieces and wiping away my tears (and gosh there were so many-He probably should have put stock in Kleenex brand). He was there when no one else was or no one knew I needed someone. He was there still as I blamed Him or myself for what "happened". He lead me to a greater path and was still kissing my boo boos as I got there. He brought me up when I wanted to just crumble and showed me Laila and Curt and my family and made me realize I really am blessed no matter if our dreams are ever completely fulfilled. He made me realize that I will NEVER be alone and not just because of my angels in heaven watching over me, but because of Him alone. He may not catch me when I fall, even though I may be falling for a long time, but He will ALWAYS be there to dust me off, help me back up, and guide me down the next road I must take. Even if it is a road He is not too proud of, He will still be beside me.
Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Proverbs 30:5 NIV