My fourth miscarriage

Curt and I were PG again. We did not tell anyone. I kept this info out of my blog for that reason but made a post about and saved it in word so here it is:

Monday 10/15/07

This part of my blog will not be posted until we (hopefully) get to share our news with everyone. I still want to write about our journey and post when it’s the right time w/o letting the world know before we are ready. But, I got another positive pregnancy test!! This time it took us two months to get pregnant. I found out going w/ the flow does not work so we kicked it in high gear the next cycle. ;-) I took a test on Friday and a line showed up about 5 minutes later-so extremely faint. If you’ve been trying to conceive (TTC) you understand what I mean by analyzing anything you may see on that test. The next day I took another-the line seemed lighter than the one the day before. Hmmm? So what would any crazed tester do? Not tell her hubby and go get two more!!! Tested when I got home-definitely a line w/in the recommended time, but still so faint. I knew, from experience, that Curt would not believe the line. SO I waited until the morning (Sunday) and tested right away (best to test). Sure enough a line, but no darker than the previous days. I finally tell Curt about my uncertainty. He agrees I go get a fool-proof digital. I run out immediately-lol. Come home, hook it up, pee. Invalid test. WTF!! I almost threw it across the bathroom. I said a few choice words. Curt was glad it wasn’t him that day that pissed me off. You think w/ my attitude lately we would have just needed that to know I was PG. SO I head to the baby shower. If I was PG I really wanted to know before the shower as a little pick me up. But I’ve already had my shower and I did really well. Stood strong!! On the way home I told myself to wait to take the other test until the morning. SO what do I do? I get in the door, five minutes later I’m taking the next test. The words “pregnant” popped in what seemed like forever-so of course I analyze that. I tell Curt I have no will-power and he said maybe testing too soon will give invalid results. I say it can’t give us a false positive. He’s in the other room and gets quiet. Then says so it was positive. Yes, sir! Silence on both our ends. Then curt makes his way to the bathroom. Trying not to smile and says it’s so hard to get excited and I agree. “but it did make me smile” he says. We hug and carry on with our evening, but we are a little more happy, a little more lovey, and a little more light on our feet. But the whole time dreading a 4th m/c. It sucks. We will NEVER ever have that innocence of a positive pregnancy test where we scream for joy, talk about names and plan the nursery. Poor little Laila has no clue and it upsets us both. But what can you do besides live each day one at a time and pray hard. I’ve decided it is all in God’s hands. He knows what I want and He has the power.

Now it is October 21. One week from my great news and already the baby is gone. I had been awesome all week. I had some mild pregnancy symptoms, but they were the same ones I had w/ Laila so I was hoping that was a good sign. I had no bleeding either which was definitely a step up from my last two pregnancies. I woke up yesterday morning and had some bleeding. I didn't panic cause I just figured here we go w/ the spotting. It was disheartening, but not a shock. It picked up a little as the day wore on and then some mild cramps/twinges started. I went to bed that night hoping for the best. I woke up about 2 am w/ terrible cramps and as soon as I stood up I knew it was over. The bleeding was worse and I felt like a horrible period was coming. I did what I needed to do and laid back down. I was freaked about the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, but since the 2 extra strength Tylenol I took kicked in, I figured that wasn't the case. Curt was sound asleep, but I was just too much in pain-both physically and emotionally to lay quietly next to him and all I wanted to do was cry and get it all out. I felt like a failure, I felt too embarrassed to even tell Curt that our beloved 5th child was already gone. That again, we were back at square one. So I laid on the couch and cried myself back to sleep. I woke a few hours later and crawled back in bed telling Curt I just didn't feel good when he asked where I had been. Later this morning I told him that I was miscarrying again. We are just so frustrated. I am tired of trying to be strong. Tired of telling myself that I am so blessed w/ having Laila. Yes, I am. We are, but it is not enough. It is not what we want. I am totally pissed that I wanted 3 children, but I let these fucking miscarriages scare me into just begging God for one more. Dammit, I want three children and I don't want to back down from my dreams. I had already made an appointment w/ a fertility specialist and was going to cancel per their request if we got PG, but I hadn't cancelled yet which is good. I read that 60% of women have a m/c like this called a chemical pregnancy and don't even know it. But when you are trying and know when you ovulated, you know when your period should come. SO of course I tested instead of waiting for my period to be 5 days late. In medical terms they don't consider it a m/c, which is good because your chances for another m/c get higher w/ each one you suffer. But in my eyes and in my heart it was my baby. My tiny angel baby who was due in June. Now I will go through my second due date, November 8th, w/ 4 babies gone. I'm kind of numb. I wonder why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong? Or maybe we will find there is an issue and it will be fixed. Maybe Laila is an absolute miracle baby. I had always called her my little miracle while pregnant. Maybe that name was all too real, but I told Curt this morning that I believe in miracles then and if you can have one then it's possible to have another.

I still chose to go to the cider mill w/ our families. It was hard to keep a smile on. No one knew. I just felt like I did not want to ruin it for everyone, plus it was such a gorgeous day and the distraction would be good for me. There were quite a few pregnant women there and I just looked at their bellies and wondered if I'd ever have that again. Now I get to work all week literally surrounded by pregnant women. The teachers across, kitty-corner and next door to my room are all pregnant. And that is the only rooms by mine. I don't feel hatred or even a bad jealousy really. I've been there. I've had a successful pregnancy w/ a baby shower and ultrasounds and I brought that baby home and watched her grow. But I do look at them and long to have that moment once again.