Need to vent

I know to some this is sooo petty, but it bugs the heckers out of me. I am so SICK of people downplaying my birth. I was at an event last night and we were chatting about our birth stories and all. And, for like the 100th time, I was told "well if I had a 4 hour labor like yours I'd probably want to watch the head come out". Along w/ "I don't know why I bothered w/ an epidural since I felt it all anyway". Umm...if you've never had a birth w/o an epidural, how the f**k do you know what it feels like? And if you never dilated past 3, how the hell do you know what labor dilated to a 5 feels like, let alone pushing for that matter. For the record, most women who get drugs, get them around dilation between a 3 and a 5 (not all people-calm down, but most) so even had you endured many hours prior to that, you still don't know what dilation of 10 and pushing feels like drug free-no matter how quick. I go into my labors at the point where many/most women can't handle them and get drugs, and I endure it all the rest of the way. There is no comparison in my book. I certainly would never say "I know how you feel" to someone who was induced, went many hours drug free. No way. I'd sure pat them on the back. That's why they call dilation of 4 and higher active labor. That's when the real sh!t begins people-don't knock it till you try it drug free. I work hard to go all natural. And, for the record again, I was asked about 5 times during Laila's birth if I wanted drugs and I told them no every time. So no, it was not too quick and I didn't have time. I didn't want them. And I went drug free for my baby and myself-not to prove anything since that didn't happen anyway. I have no clue, or maybe a small clue, of what it feels like to spend many hours drug free, but I sure know that dilation of a 4 is much more manageable than an 8 and so on, and pushing a 6 pounder out is MUCH much less painful than an 8 pounder. So shut-up. I'm sick of it. You worked hard, I worked hard. Our end result was a beautiful baby.

Okay. I'm done. I'm not sure if I feel better or not. I swear to myself the next time I get that line I will say something, but I never do. I just hide it here. Sheesh, you'd never guessed I could do labor completely drug free. Oh, that's right. It was only a few hours of nothing.

A Thursday night in the Brown household

Makes for a very bored Lisa. Curt played basketball tonight which equals sleeping on the couch come 8:30. Evan is next to him in the swing zonked out, too. It was funny-Curt announced to Laila he was going to play BB. She, clad only in her princess undies (no, not Laila!), ran and got her tennis shoes..all set to play BB w/ daddy. Awww....Curt had to break her heart.

Evan had his 2 month appointment this week. 13 pounds 15 ounces!! Grew 4 inches so far since birth. He's 90th %tile in both height and weight. He's HUGE! In 3-6 months clothes and has been since just over 2 months. He's handsome and sweet and such a good baby now. Not that he wasn't before...but let's just say my bald spots are growing back and the bathroom door has not been locked in quite a few weeks--me locked in, not Evan. ;-P

Laila is great. Okay-scratch that. I have locked the bathroom door and found other not-bald spots on my head to pull hair out of because of her. She is a royal SASS!!! I can't get angry w/ her cause she'll either yell, "you know better!" or just swing her hip at me and grunt her McSassiness at me. And when I do get mad at her she thinks it's funny to watch me go berserk! Oh and the all famous "stop being crabby, mommy!" I really don't know what to do?!?! I need a parenting class. I've tried the whole "you have to be good for Santa" thing, but then she just wants to go to sleep all the time for "Santa to bring me a pony, a carriage, a barbie, and a baby w/ a car seat". Yes, I did make the mistake of searching the TRU website for ideas. Thank heavens she is beyond cute. Not to mention the fact that a mother's love is unconditional!

Curt is crabby lately, then sweet two seconds later, but it's my fault. I couldn't tell you how, but that's his claim to fame. I'll worry about that after I clean the floors ;-)

And me, well I'm not too bald and I haven't hopped out the bathroom window when I've retreated there so I must be doing super!! Okay, maybe just great since I have thought about those things ;-) I started working out again, or I guess you could say playing w/ the Wii-lol. I am a little over 4 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight now--thanks no dairy! And the arms are sore from my multiple knockouts w/ the boxing. Yeah, I'm unbeatable (I'm not counting two weeks post-partum boxing against Curt's dad ;-)

But seriously, things are going great. I'll take a snappy husband and a sassy daughter and a son that likes to eat every 45 minutes come 7 at night over anything else! This is the life I've always wanted and I never imagined I'd feel such at peace, even when my world is spinning. I was made for this. I was made to be a mom of two-a magnificent son and daughter. The husband is the icing on the cake...without dairy.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Halloween was definitely fun in our house! We had my nephew Hayden and my niece Mercedes (AKA laila's "best friends") over and all headed out in the wagon. It took a bit for Laila to realize what kind of goodies were involved when the words "trick or treat" came out, and from then on she was game!! We went to our first house and we told the kids they have to say trick or treat really loud and Laila said, all panicky, "We have to say thank you, too!!". My polite little princess.

Evan was awake for some of the walk and then I handed him over sleeping to my sis who had a cat face and when he woke he just could not figure her out. The night went well, enough candy, but not too much. I am so being tortured w/ it since I can't eat it so I'm sending it off to Curt's work w/ him on Monday. Enjoy the pictures and I hope everyone else had a good evening!

this post needs no words.....

made it through yesterday

Yesterday was m/c and infant loss remembrance day. October is such a hard month for me already. We had our first m/c the 2nd of Oct in 2006 and our last, our fourth, Oct 21st 2007. I guess maybe I should look at it as a closure. We spent a year of going through hell and it ended that month, a year later. It saddens me to still know every one of my due dates and think of what I'd have right now-a 4 month old up to a 1 1/2 year old. Crazy to think of the what-ifs. I find myself wondering if the little boy we lost in July would have looked like Evan-I know I torture myself.

I lit my candle at 7p.m. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. I turned around in the kitchen and cleaned up Laila's leftover dinner on her plate and I teared up over how blessed I was that I am cleaning off my kids plate. SO many moms out there can't even do that. Then I went into Laila's room where Curt was wrestling w/ the dog and Laila was playing peek-a-boo w/ Evan who was laying on her bed. My amazing, but crazy, family. I climbed on the bed and kissed Evan's pudgy little cheeks while he squirmed away and then wrestled Laila to the ground and enjoyed every single second of it. I'm lucky, and my candle continued to burn for my little angel babies and all the worlds little angels.

I had been dreading this month and the day, but I survived it well. I've been thinking a lot of my angels lately. Not really sure why, but I think part of it is cause I still look in awe at Evan that he is truly here and I wonder a little on why he is here and none of the other 4 are. I let my imagination go and I think he was in a pow wow up in heaven w/ his brothers and sisters and decided he wanted this family bad. Had a heart to heart w/ God and said it was time we had another baby to hold. I know, pretty silly, but it makes me feel good. And here he is, full of smiles and coos, safe and healthy in my arms. I wonder if 20 years down the road I will still light a candle. I know I will forever remember and think of my little ones and I will never take for granted the life I was dealt and I am so thankful to God for blessing me,- us, so abundantly.

It's been awhile...

I cannot believe how busy it is w/ two kids!! When I have a free moment, I'm either cleaning or enjoying that free moment.

SO things were off to a rough start for a little bit there. Evan got a bad diaper rash, which the ped thought was something I was eating. Low and behold I take out dairy and eggs and he is 100 times better. I guess the havoc he wrecked on my body didn't end w/ birth! I am really bored w/ my diet, but I love the different baby I created w/ it. He was pretty fussy, gassy and pukey and needed to be held so much and now he can be alone a little longer than the 5 seconds he used to only be able to-lol. Plus he's smiling like crazy and cooing so I think he realized the world outside of mom's arms isn't too bad after all. But, in my arms is still his favorite spot-thank heavens for the sling my friend made me! He's also grown like a weed w/ a pound a week! He's at about 13 pounds now and was 10 at only 3 weeks old!! He's my big boy that's for sure w/ the chubbiest yummiest cheeks ever!

Laila is doing great in pre-school. She'll kiss Evan good-bye some days and not me (sniff, sniff). She's a super big sis and very helpful. I swear it was as if she knew exactly what having a little baby was going to entail. Now I just need to be more patient w/ her and her life would be grand :-( I'm working on it and when I'm crabby she'll tell me it will be okay and that she forgives me! She's too much.

As for me, my 6 week check-up went great. I was told I don't even look like a baby came out of me (well, my MW was more specific on what area didn't look that way..so use your imagination). I'm only 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight-YAY!! I feel almost 100% normal now except for the up and down emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat over sappy things. I still will cry sometimes in disbelief of the family we created and were so blessed w/. Curt and I are on such a different level. It's like we understand each other more and just go together so well. Life is fitting together perfectly for us. There is nothing more we could ask for that is of major importance. We are having a hard time thinking about not having any more kids. We are done, but I can't shake the annoyance I feel that some of that choice isn't mine to make. For one the risk of another m/c or 4 for that matter is not something my heart could handle I don't think. And the whole FX thing is a big weight should we decide to have another. Curt also won't trust anything, even getting himself fixed. I understand since we are so fertile, but what are we going to do about it?!?! The man is too paranoid for his own good-lol.

Here are some pics of the last month of our family.

Professional ones (I will never get family pics done at one week post-partum!)

Laila's First Day of School

She did great! Evan and mom--not so much.

Evan chose to go from sleeping soundly to a screaming mess right before we walked out the door. I couldn't find my keys either, but we made it, on time, and Evan was sleeping by the time we got there-shoo! Laila went right in, sat down and played w/ two other girls. After a quick kiss (initiated by me), I was long forgotten-well I went back for another kiss and hug right before I left the room. I sobbed the whole way out through the corridor, to the car and all the way home until I called Curt and said that was the LAST first day of school I ever did again! My little tiny baby Laila is growing up!!!

Pick up: She was busy singing songs while I spied in. Super cute! The teachers said she did great and the three girls played well together and will probably be "the chatty ones" Uh-Oh!! Glad she wasn't too shy though. This is how the conversation went:

Did you have fun?--head nod

Did you sing songs? another head nod

What else did you do? smiles

Phone call to dad:

"Eberhardt (teacher) had us go in there and we played basketball and we sat in a circle and we passed it around"

Don't ask me why dad got a much bigger explanation, but he did!!

Then we went on a picnic to the park and she's mellowing out on the couch now. My little girl is getting so big!!

I'm done crying for now ;-)