A hodge podge of sorts

Well, since I've been up since 5:30, I figured I'd post.

First-I want to clarify my venting post about my birth. I was not trying to say anyone who got drugs had an easier labor than me-in any way whether it was 1 hour or 10 hours (or more!). I am saying that unless you felt pain at a 5 or 10 drug free-you cannot compare my pain to yours, just like unless I felt contractions at a 2 for 5 hours, I cannot compare my pain to yours. And yes, birth stories are great and I love to share mine and hear others, but not when mine gets tossed to the side as "easy". I actually think this ticks Curt off more than me. He was the only one, besides myself, who really saw/felt/knew partly what I was going through and he knew how hard I tried to go natural, for myself and my babies. It was not a challenge for me to prove people wrong (yes, their non-support helped push me to want to do it more), but I did it cause it was what was best for my lovies. Now I am done. And I decided, I will not let anyone downplay my births, even if it causes a brawl ;-).

And yay for enjoy life brand "chocolates". I was finally able to enjoy some chocolate chip cookies dairy and pretty much soy free!! I am still trying to find dairy and soy free butter-not happening! So I deal. Curt said they were the best he'd ever tasted! The cinnamon crunch granola is a whole different story-yuck. I'm trying to force myself to eat it since I paid over $4 for it and probably will get 5-6 bowls of it....if I can stand that many.

Evan is doing so much better w/ it now, too. I think he's not as sensitive, plus I'm trying harder. I still have my sneaks of bites of pizza and chocolate, but the more I research, the more
"not alone" I feel. The only problem is that all my meals need to be planned. Lean Cuisine does not carry a frozen line of dairy/soy free entrees. ;-P

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my 3 month old! I cannot believe it. Time has flown. He's doing great. Sleeping good at night, too. Yesterday he went from 10:30 until 6:30. Needless to say, I woke up to a soaking wet shirts. That's what sucks about those surprise good sleeps.

I will be looking into getting a part time job after the winter. I'd love to babysit an older child (no babies) one or two days a week or maybe tutor. I am just tired of being strapped every month and having Curt stressing or driving himself crazy trying to find a deal to make some extra dough. We hope to sell the cabin which will pay off school and leave a little extra to fix up stuff around here, like oh let's see--get the septic field replaced. Fun times! It just boggles my mind how we make it on our salary every month that I don't even want to question it. It's one of those things-it works decently so I'm not going to fret! But, we just had to finally get cable.... ;-)

Laila is great. Not as sassy (I so know I just jinxed myself!) and growing up so fast. She plays house now. Complete w/ combing my hair and putting in a hair tie, handing me a bag and saying "now you can go to pre-school, dear". Can anyone say adorable???? And then the other night, I was told to "pay attention" to her and that she is sick of Chevy. That's another reason to get a job-so she'll stop picking up on my bad habits so much. AT least I haven't heard "damn it" in a while-complete w/ throwing a video tape across her room. The throwing came from someone else though- :cough:Curt:cough:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope we can all have at least one thing we are thankful for this year. I am super thankful for God and all his blessing he has given us-our two beautiful, healthy children, a great marriage, wonderful friends and happy and warm home w/ food to eat.


Laila said she is thankful for cereal ;-) Now I'm off to throw my "cereal" away. I cannot stomach any more.

Need to vent

I know to some this is sooo petty, but it bugs the heckers out of me. I am so SICK of people downplaying my birth. I was at an event last night and we were chatting about our birth stories and all. And, for like the 100th time, I was told "well if I had a 4 hour labor like yours I'd probably want to watch the head come out". Along w/ "I don't know why I bothered w/ an epidural since I felt it all anyway". Umm...if you've never had a birth w/o an epidural, how the f**k do you know what it feels like? And if you never dilated past 3, how the hell do you know what labor dilated to a 5 feels like, let alone pushing for that matter. For the record, most women who get drugs, get them around dilation between a 3 and a 5 (not all people-calm down, but most) so even had you endured many hours prior to that, you still don't know what dilation of 10 and pushing feels like drug free-no matter how quick. I go into my labors at the point where many/most women can't handle them and get drugs, and I endure it all the rest of the way. There is no comparison in my book. I certainly would never say "I know how you feel" to someone who was induced, went many hours drug free. No way. I'd sure pat them on the back. That's why they call dilation of 4 and higher active labor. That's when the real sh!t begins people-don't knock it till you try it drug free. I work hard to go all natural. And, for the record again, I was asked about 5 times during Laila's birth if I wanted drugs and I told them no every time. So no, it was not too quick and I didn't have time. I didn't want them. And I went drug free for my baby and myself-not to prove anything since that didn't happen anyway. I have no clue, or maybe a small clue, of what it feels like to spend many hours drug free, but I sure know that dilation of a 4 is much more manageable than an 8 and so on, and pushing a 6 pounder out is MUCH much less painful than an 8 pounder. So shut-up. I'm sick of it. You worked hard, I worked hard. Our end result was a beautiful baby.

Okay. I'm done. I'm not sure if I feel better or not. I swear to myself the next time I get that line I will say something, but I never do. I just hide it here. Sheesh, you'd never guessed I could do labor completely drug free. Oh, that's right. It was only a few hours of nothing.

A Thursday night in the Brown household

Makes for a very bored Lisa. Curt played basketball tonight which equals sleeping on the couch come 8:30. Evan is next to him in the swing zonked out, too. It was funny-Curt announced to Laila he was going to play BB. She, clad only in her princess undies (no, not Laila!), ran and got her tennis shoes..all set to play BB w/ daddy. Awww....Curt had to break her heart.

Evan had his 2 month appointment this week. 13 pounds 15 ounces!! Grew 4 inches so far since birth. He's 90th %tile in both height and weight. He's HUGE! In 3-6 months clothes and has been since just over 2 months. He's handsome and sweet and such a good baby now. Not that he wasn't before...but let's just say my bald spots are growing back and the bathroom door has not been locked in quite a few weeks--me locked in, not Evan. ;-P

Laila is great. Okay-scratch that. I have locked the bathroom door and found other not-bald spots on my head to pull hair out of because of her. She is a royal SASS!!! I can't get angry w/ her cause she'll either yell, "you know better!" or just swing her hip at me and grunt her McSassiness at me. And when I do get mad at her she thinks it's funny to watch me go berserk! Oh and the all famous "stop being crabby, mommy!" I really don't know what to do?!?! I need a parenting class. I've tried the whole "you have to be good for Santa" thing, but then she just wants to go to sleep all the time for "Santa to bring me a pony, a carriage, a barbie, and a baby w/ a car seat". Yes, I did make the mistake of searching the TRU website for ideas. Thank heavens she is beyond cute. Not to mention the fact that a mother's love is unconditional!

Curt is crabby lately, then sweet two seconds later, but it's my fault. I couldn't tell you how, but that's his claim to fame. I'll worry about that after I clean the floors ;-)

And me, well I'm not too bald and I haven't hopped out the bathroom window when I've retreated there so I must be doing super!! Okay, maybe just great since I have thought about those things ;-) I started working out again, or I guess you could say playing w/ the Wii-lol. I am a little over 4 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight now--thanks no dairy! And the arms are sore from my multiple knockouts w/ the boxing. Yeah, I'm unbeatable (I'm not counting two weeks post-partum boxing against Curt's dad ;-)

But seriously, things are going great. I'll take a snappy husband and a sassy daughter and a son that likes to eat every 45 minutes come 7 at night over anything else! This is the life I've always wanted and I never imagined I'd feel such at peace, even when my world is spinning. I was made for this. I was made to be a mom of two-a magnificent son and daughter. The husband is the icing on the cake...without dairy.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Halloween was definitely fun in our house! We had my nephew Hayden and my niece Mercedes (AKA laila's "best friends") over and all headed out in the wagon. It took a bit for Laila to realize what kind of goodies were involved when the words "trick or treat" came out, and from then on she was game!! We went to our first house and we told the kids they have to say trick or treat really loud and Laila said, all panicky, "We have to say thank you, too!!". My polite little princess.

Evan was awake for some of the walk and then I handed him over sleeping to my sis who had a cat face and when he woke he just could not figure her out. The night went well, enough candy, but not too much. I am so being tortured w/ it since I can't eat it so I'm sending it off to Curt's work w/ him on Monday. Enjoy the pictures and I hope everyone else had a good evening!

this post needs no words.....

made it through yesterday

Yesterday was m/c and infant loss remembrance day. October is such a hard month for me already. We had our first m/c the 2nd of Oct in 2006 and our last, our fourth, Oct 21st 2007. I guess maybe I should look at it as a closure. We spent a year of going through hell and it ended that month, a year later. It saddens me to still know every one of my due dates and think of what I'd have right now-a 4 month old up to a 1 1/2 year old. Crazy to think of the what-ifs. I find myself wondering if the little boy we lost in July would have looked like Evan-I know I torture myself.

I lit my candle at 7p.m. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. I turned around in the kitchen and cleaned up Laila's leftover dinner on her plate and I teared up over how blessed I was that I am cleaning off my kids plate. SO many moms out there can't even do that. Then I went into Laila's room where Curt was wrestling w/ the dog and Laila was playing peek-a-boo w/ Evan who was laying on her bed. My amazing, but crazy, family. I climbed on the bed and kissed Evan's pudgy little cheeks while he squirmed away and then wrestled Laila to the ground and enjoyed every single second of it. I'm lucky, and my candle continued to burn for my little angel babies and all the worlds little angels.

I had been dreading this month and the day, but I survived it well. I've been thinking a lot of my angels lately. Not really sure why, but I think part of it is cause I still look in awe at Evan that he is truly here and I wonder a little on why he is here and none of the other 4 are. I let my imagination go and I think he was in a pow wow up in heaven w/ his brothers and sisters and decided he wanted this family bad. Had a heart to heart w/ God and said it was time we had another baby to hold. I know, pretty silly, but it makes me feel good. And here he is, full of smiles and coos, safe and healthy in my arms. I wonder if 20 years down the road I will still light a candle. I know I will forever remember and think of my little ones and I will never take for granted the life I was dealt and I am so thankful to God for blessing me,- us, so abundantly.

It's been awhile...

I cannot believe how busy it is w/ two kids!! When I have a free moment, I'm either cleaning or enjoying that free moment.

SO things were off to a rough start for a little bit there. Evan got a bad diaper rash, which the ped thought was something I was eating. Low and behold I take out dairy and eggs and he is 100 times better. I guess the havoc he wrecked on my body didn't end w/ birth! I am really bored w/ my diet, but I love the different baby I created w/ it. He was pretty fussy, gassy and pukey and needed to be held so much and now he can be alone a little longer than the 5 seconds he used to only be able to-lol. Plus he's smiling like crazy and cooing so I think he realized the world outside of mom's arms isn't too bad after all. But, in my arms is still his favorite spot-thank heavens for the sling my friend made me! He's also grown like a weed w/ a pound a week! He's at about 13 pounds now and was 10 at only 3 weeks old!! He's my big boy that's for sure w/ the chubbiest yummiest cheeks ever!

Laila is doing great in pre-school. She'll kiss Evan good-bye some days and not me (sniff, sniff). She's a super big sis and very helpful. I swear it was as if she knew exactly what having a little baby was going to entail. Now I just need to be more patient w/ her and her life would be grand :-( I'm working on it and when I'm crabby she'll tell me it will be okay and that she forgives me! She's too much.

As for me, my 6 week check-up went great. I was told I don't even look like a baby came out of me (well, my MW was more specific on what area didn't look that way..so use your imagination). I'm only 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight-YAY!! I feel almost 100% normal now except for the up and down emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat over sappy things. I still will cry sometimes in disbelief of the family we created and were so blessed w/. Curt and I are on such a different level. It's like we understand each other more and just go together so well. Life is fitting together perfectly for us. There is nothing more we could ask for that is of major importance. We are having a hard time thinking about not having any more kids. We are done, but I can't shake the annoyance I feel that some of that choice isn't mine to make. For one the risk of another m/c or 4 for that matter is not something my heart could handle I don't think. And the whole FX thing is a big weight should we decide to have another. Curt also won't trust anything, even getting himself fixed. I understand since we are so fertile, but what are we going to do about it?!?! The man is too paranoid for his own good-lol.

Here are some pics of the last month of our family.

Professional ones (I will never get family pics done at one week post-partum!)

Laila's First Day of School

She did great! Evan and mom--not so much.

Evan chose to go from sleeping soundly to a screaming mess right before we walked out the door. I couldn't find my keys either, but we made it, on time, and Evan was sleeping by the time we got there-shoo! Laila went right in, sat down and played w/ two other girls. After a quick kiss (initiated by me), I was long forgotten-well I went back for another kiss and hug right before I left the room. I sobbed the whole way out through the corridor, to the car and all the way home until I called Curt and said that was the LAST first day of school I ever did again! My little tiny baby Laila is growing up!!!

Pick up: She was busy singing songs while I spied in. Super cute! The teachers said she did great and the three girls played well together and will probably be "the chatty ones" Uh-Oh!! Glad she wasn't too shy though. This is how the conversation went:

Did you have fun?--head nod

Did you sing songs? another head nod

What else did you do? smiles

Phone call to dad:

"Eberhardt (teacher) had us go in there and we played basketball and we sat in a circle and we passed it around"

Don't ask me why dad got a much bigger explanation, but he did!!

Then we went on a picnic to the park and she's mellowing out on the couch now. My little girl is getting so big!!

I'm done crying for now ;-)

Our baby is here!

A (BIG) boy!!! Evan Wayne arrived w/ a small cry at 9:35 a.m., Tuesday August 26th. Weighing 8 pounds, 1 1/2 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. I have to say I wasn't too surprised by his size cause I sure felt every 1/2 ounce and inch of him!!!! Below is my birth story and some pics below that. Thanks for every one's prayers on our miracle. There isn't a doubt in my mind that you all had a hand in his creation!

After having on and off contractions for over two weeks, they started to intensify Monday after my appointment. Most of them I was able to "ignore", but a few I had to concentrate through. I went to bed hoping it was coming for real cause induction was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I woke up about 5 times in the night to contractions-they kept making me go pee. When I woke at 6 to a pretty tough one, I thought "here we go again w/ an hour of painful ones only for them to stop" and I told Curt I was getting so sick of this! but they did not go away and only got worse. By the time Curt got out of the shower I was being hit pretty bad w/ them about 45 seconds long and 3-4 minutes apart. BUT...crazy person I am, I sent Curt off to work not believing this was it. He left at 6:45 and I realized soon after that this was major intense contractions that were probably not going to stop. I called him home after him only being punched in about 10 minutes and told him not to get mad if it was a false alarm. But he was no dummy-he knew me better than I did. He said he cried the whole way home in excitement for his baby to come. Meanwhile I was crying in pain-lol. I called my mom and dad and sister then to give them the heads up that this was it and we would leave off soon to the hospital. Laila woke up right when he got home and we told her the baby was coming. She gave us the most excited face and hugged my belly. Curt paged the midwife and she said they'd call her when we got to the hospital. Curt was rubbing my back through contractions while trying to get the bags together. If Curt wasn't there and I had another contraction (half sprawled across the kitchen table) Laila would come and rub my back. She was super cute. About 7:45 I had a meltdown, crying about not wanting to go to the hospital and being stuck on a bed so Curt said we didn't have to go right away...which ended up being a bad idea later. At that point they were about 2 minutes apart and lasting a minute or longer it seemed. I kept saying I didn't remember them hurting so bad w/ Laila. I even told Curt not to be mad at me if I got drugs-not that he would but that was not our plan. Curt's mom came and got Laila and I realized that we waited a bit too long. The baby was coming and I was in super pain...much much more than I had w/ Laila and the contractions were pretty long. I had no break in between cause my back just continued to hurt. I was very noisy during them too. Curt joked how it sounded like pleasure moans and I said "I wish it felt like that!" I had back labor the whole time, but I could feel my stomach contractions, too, which made me keep feeling like I had a full bladder, but I could not "go". SO we headed off to the hospital about 8:15 and the car ride was pure hell. I was telling Curt to not stop and I was serious-I wanted him to go down the shoulder. I sat normal, but was very loud!Curt made a comment about how we were finally at this point of getting to hold our baby we waited so long for. I took that moment to remember each individual life we lost trying to get to this one. Part of me thanked them, for this baby would not be here and part of me still missed them terribly. We both knew why I began another meltdown. We still could not believe we were at this point of being so close to holding our little one.


About 3 miles from the hospital I felt the baby move and literally bear down. I told Curt "it is coming and we waited too long". We got off the freeway and were half a mile from the hospital and I paged my midwife again cause I knew this baby was coming fast. She said she was on her way. I knew if I waited for them to call her once I got there she would not be there in time. We pulled into the hospital about 8:30. I got out of the car and could not walk-the pressure was extremely painful. Curt offered to carry me as he had a bag, video camera and pillow in his arms. Had I not known him carrying me would cause more pain, I would have tried it just to get a laugh. I walked slowly in, holding my crotch most of the steps and stopping every so often to deal w/ contractions. Of course we got lost trying to find labor and delivery dealing w/ contractions less than a minute apart. Curt went off to find someone and after two male doctors walked right past me, mid-moans and rocking against the wall, a lady doc helped us. She walked us right up to the L&D floor and right in. A resident doc was on the phone w/ my My midwife as I walked in and asked if I was Lisa Brown. I got ushered right into the registration room, signed one paper and was then sent off to the delivery room. I did not even have to go into triage thankfully. I made it into the bed about 8:45. My midwife had told them I did not need an IV so that was nice to not have to deal w/ that. I layed on my side and informed the nurse that this was our last baby and I was not doing this again. I kept saying this hurts and I can't do it. Someone came in and was asking my history and the number of pregnancies which almost sent me on another meltdown, but the contractions kept me focused on other thoughts. An U/S confirmed baby was head down, but still "up there". I was not wanting to hear that. I was checked and was told I was a 5 or 6. Major bummer since I was hoping I'd be at least a 7, especially after waiting so long to head off to the hospital. I told the resident doctor that and she said that I maybe could be at a 7 since I was "stretchy" after checking further. I am not sure if she just said that or not. This is where my major doubt started. I knew it could be a while before I could push and I was in major pain. I told Curt I could not do this. The pain was much higher than Laila's. I think I had such doubt partly because of this, but also because I had such great support that it made me a little weaker than w/ Laila. I didn't have to fight through the docs and nurses doubts this time. My midwife arrived about 9:00. It was so calming. Everyone in the room was calm and I could hear my midwife asking if she had time to change and then joking about how she did until my water broke. I was told my water was bulging so we knew it would be soon. At 9:10 it broke and I told them and they said to push through it so I did. I was still at a 7 and I told my midwife that I could not do this. She had me go on all fours facing the back of the bed to try and get the baby to move down. She was right there with me, hands on my very sweaty back and telling me how to breath and to rest my forehead in her hand. I could not believe the support they were giving me. She got cold cloths for my back and was just so calming to me. Curt just kept rubbing my hair and my back. The midwife showed him how to put pressure on my back cause at that point I could not stand the rubbing any more. I was definitely demanding of what I wanted and how, but I wasn't sure what would work. AT one point I told him to stop rubbing me, so he did and then I yelled for him to not stop. I also told him to rub my hair, but not to touch my forehead. It hurt so bad every time the baby moved down and I was a mess. It was then they said to try pushing. I went on my back and my MW had me move sides a little w/ each push to maneuver the baby down. I pushed a few times and they got a mirror for me to watch. The midwife showed me where the head was. At that point the mirror was not helpful cause I so wanted to see the head half out!! But it was nice cause we were able to see the progress with every push. I had my fingers entangled around the neck of Curt's shirt and he asked if I wanted his hand, but I just couldn't move. My midwife sat back and everything was so tranquil and calm-as much as it could be. I kept asking how much longer and saying I couldn't do it. Curt kept telling me it was soon, but I wanted to yell at him to stop cause I didn't trust him. I wanted my MW to tell me when! I was told it was up to me to push past the burning. I so didn't want that part in my hands, but I had no choice-lol. I kept saying "Debra, I can't do this, how much longer" She said she thought about a few more pushes to bring the head down. It took about 10 or so pushes to get the head to crown and at that point I said "Fffffffffffffffffffffffffff" and the MW and nurse laughed and said "yep-this is the right time for the F-word". But I didn't let it out so kudos to me-lol. I pushed about 3-4 more times and the head came out and what a relief I just layed there and stared at it in awe. The MW never once pulled on the head or really even touched me. I must have sat there for a while cause they asked then if I wanted to push the rest of the baby out and I said "If I have to" and they all laughed.


A few more pushes and out his shoulders came and he was on my chest. I immediately held his head and wrapped my fingers around his fingers. I cried so hard tears of joy while Curt was crying and saying "we finally have a baby, we made it". The bliss was indescribable. I could not believe we had this moment. We worked so hard and had so many heartaches to get to this point and all those emotions hit us at once. I was in Heaven. He gave a stuttering cry, until both Curt and I began talking to him and he just stared. He was so precious. He never left my chest for about 45 minutes straight, except for brief seconds when Curt lifted him up to hold him and have "his turn". I did not even notice them doing the APGAR tests on him while he was on me, but they did (9 for both tests). The MW waited for the cord to stop pulsating and Curt got to cut it. We breastfed 10 minutes after birth. Then I pushed out the placenta. Soon after that someone mentioned if he was a boy and the midwife looked and he was. I already knew he was-there was no mistaking his face was that of a handsome boy. They then asked if they could rent Curt out! He was beyond awesome in his support-you can see in the pics how his face resembles mine as if he was right there w/ the no pain no gain feeling I felt. The nurse commented on how I had a "patience" for pain. I looked at her like she was crazy! I ended up w/ a second degree tear, but I knew my midwife was trying to avoid anything. So she gave me a local and began stitching me. OUCH!! Some of the parts were not numbed so I had to endure about 2-3 stitches med-free. So not fun. At least I had my baby for some distraction. Then we realized I had some "skid marks" as the MW called them, where the skin at the top stretched too far and it had very small "tears" that burned pretty bad. It was then that they weighed and measured him so the pain and tearing all made sense! About an hour after birth I was up and Curt helped me in the shower and recovery was pretty well. It was then that they had me sign the anesthesia papers-lol. Curt then went to announce the new arrival. I guess he told Laila to tell everyone that she had a baby brother. Laila was brought in first with Curt and she immediately scrambled fast to get her present out for the baby. She was in love instantly doting over him and trying to cover him w/ a blanket. When I asked if she wanted to kiss him though, she said "no, he's dirty". I'm not sure what she saw. Then she asked me if that was the baby out of my belly and I said yes and she asked if he "hopped out of there?". ;-) Curt then went and got everyone else and by about 12 we were settled into the regular room. The delivery nursed thanked me for "letting" her be a part of the birth. She said it was one of the best births she'd had in a long time.

We came home the next day and things have been great. He's very easy going. Laila is doing awesome and wants every one that comes over to hold the baby. Curt has been beyond SUPER. I have fallen madly in love w/ him all over again. He has been on top of things like there is no tomorrow and been so helpful I can't even do hardly anything for myself. He's truly amazing.



Quick and easy-my @SS!!!!!** He was feeling them along w/ me-no that was me choking him ;-)


My baby!!!!!!!!!*****************************Daddy's in love






Big sister!***********************Our handsome guy.











Daddy's boy**********************************Going home




Going home***********************3 days old


4 days old*************************The loves of my life!

yes...another update

This will be short. I am dilated to a 3 or 4, about 70% effaced. Midwife thinks the only thing holding off labor is the baby needs to tuck its head to move further down. Stubborn thing!! So we plan on induction Wednesday morning should I not go on my own by then. I'm very nervous. Of course I don't want drugs and I'm afraid of the intensity of "fake" contractions, but I'm also scared of things not progressing enough for the baby to drop and I end up w/ a c-section. Drugs I can handle, but I'm so against a C. But as long as we are both kept safe and healthy then that is all that matters.

So for now-we wait. I'm done w/ squats, tea, and all the other stuff to induce labor. My baby will come and I can't wait to hold it!

Great appointment today!!!

Sick of the updates yet? ;-) I am very excited about this one. My midwife is back from vacation and I feel so ready to go.

AT every appt. the last few weeks they have talked about induction. I am game, but for selfish reasons, but not game at all cause there really isn't anything good about induction in my opinion. Well, come to find out my midwife is even more against induction than me! She said it is overused and we won't until it is a must-which would be sometimes next week. She did talk about things we would try before we went right to pitocin and also we could "jump-start" me on the PIT and take me off to see if I just roll from there, too.

Then out came my birth plan. I am a very "all natural" person (when it comes to birth) and I get nervous talking about my desires for my birth for fear of others thinking I'm a little "off". Like if I had a neonatal unit outside my front door I'd so have a home birth. Well, she was very excited about my birth plan and even said "good for you!" on some things I wanted. She had no qualms about anything and even gave me 3 things to add-one of which was having skin-to-skin contact for 60 minutes post birth. I had no clue they could do the APGAR testing while I held my baby to my chest! I get chills at the thought of that possibility! She also said to make sure I really push them not asking me for drugs which was something that really annoyed me when I gave birth to Laila. I am still trying to keep an open mind that these things may not play out for me, but I sure hope they do.

After some pointer son squatting when possible, she sent me on my way w/ "instructions" to go into labor on Sunday! I'm game, do you hear that baby??? ;-)

Another update

I had another U/S today-all was great. Baby measured 7 pounds 7 ounce-only 2 ounces up from last week so I'm hoping it stays that way a bit. W/ Laila only being 6 lbs 3 oz, a whole pound bigger makes me a bit nervous or as Curt said "ouch" ;-) The baby should have some pretty chubby cheeks cause every time we get a glimpse they are so cute and fat! It was laying w/ its hand up by its face today.

I'm dilated to 3 and lots of stuff is going on w/ me so I'm hoping it all means ""SOOON"". My midwife will be back on call at about 6 am tomorrow so I hope I hold out until then! My BP was up kinda high, but they aren't too worried unless I get dizzy spells or headaches.

I am doing better. I have good days and then am hit w/ a bad day. I've had contractions off and on since last Saturday w/ this past Saturday being some painful ones for about an hour. Needless to say I woke up Sunday tired and crabby and plain fed up w/ the pains and not holding my baby when they're done. But then I got a nice break Sunday night and slept all night w/o waking up w/ anything. I've had maybe a scattered few "easy" ones since, but today I'm feeling some stuff for sure. I'm not reading into anything though any more!! I know the joy of holding my baby is just around the corner so I'm not as hurry up so much as I was before. So I will end this post w/ a list of things I will miss once this pregnancy is over.

38 weeks

****Things I will miss after being pregnant****

1. The rolls, kicks, jabs and anything else this baby does in my belly

2. Hearing the heartbeat

3. Feeling so beautiful every time I look at my belly

4. Rubbing my belly

5. Having the baby "all to myself"

6. Guessing the gender

7. Curt touching my belly (off limits for a while after babe!)

8. Bumping into stuff w/ my belly and smiling cause I "forgot"

9. Having Laila so involved in my belly and the baby inside-including all her kisses, talks and hugs to the baby

10. Being pregnant for the very last time

36 week doc appt-BIG dissapointment

I had an NST (non-stress test) and U/S today. I got a sitter for Laila cause last weeks NST was over an hour and it's just too much on us both. Curt couldn't make it. So I am 36 weeks and 3 days. I go in for my U/S, get there early and they take my right in. She looks, everything is good, sends me down to the waiting room for my NST. WTF!!! I can't see my baby? It's not like you're running behind. I know-I should have said something, but I just couldn't believe it. How hard is it to turn the screen for 10 seconds.

SO then I go for my NST. At 36 weeks exactly w/ Laila I was dilated to 2 and about 15-20% effaced. I was NOTHING!! No dilation-nothing. Closed up tight. I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I'd be, but still. My midwife is on vaca until the 21st so maybe I'll hold out until then.

He also mentioned induction. I am heterozygous MTHFR (yes-even the docs pronounce it the way it looks ;-) which is a blood clotting issue. But being I'm only hetero-not homo (2 mutations) it is not supposed to be an issue w/ anything as in terms of the m/c's or even this pregnancy. I am still on my blood thinner injections, but those were only for precautionary measures anyway. I was all game for induction, but I had done some research on it yesterday and I'm not too thrilled w/ the idea unless it is really medically necessary. We'll see once my midwife returns. Maybe I won't even make it to 39 weeks when they said they'd look into inducing.

I also looked into getting the baby tested for FX. My sis had heard about getting tested too soon after birth can cause false positives or negatives. I contacted a geneticist and she said we can test the cord blood and they also asked if I'd be willing to donate some of the cord for genetic testing. SO I will. It's freaky to begin thinking about all that. I'm one day closer to holding my miracle but also one day closer to testing my poor baby. I am still not sure what we will do. I need to see if our insurance covers the cord blood testing and if it doesn't I need to look deeper into the false results. I also feel like it is not a main priority right now. The tests will always be there so I'm just going w/ the flow on that and enjoying my last few weeks.

But for now-here is my basketball-I mean, belly shot for 36 weeks-Curt had me laughing because he could hardly take the pic because he could not believe my belly. He's says "that's not right" everytime he sees it. Umm..thanks. MEN!

falling in love....

I can't believe how much I've already fallen in love with my baby. It is starting to really hit me that I am going to bring a baby home in the next month or so. And just how much we suffered, cried, stressed and prayed to be able to do this "just one more time" and God has graced us w/ the opportunity.

I cannot wait to have this baby placed right into my arms and for me to feel his/her little body and kiss him/her all over. I can't wait to count the toes and see who s/he looks like most and just be in bliss. I am so excited to see Laila become a big sister and have this adventure as a family of 4 (plus two dogs). I already feel so complete and the baby isn't even here.

Curt probably thinks I'm crazy but I am looking forward to those middle of the night feedings where the rest of the world is quiet and it's just me and my baby bonding and learning about each other. This time around is a little different cause I know the end result. We seem to be more prepared for "baby stuff"--maybe not baby stuff w/ a toddler , but at least the baby stuff ;-) Plus Curt and I are closer than we've ever been before. We have an understanding (most times) that we've never had w/ each other. I can't wait to see him become a new dad again. He is very stressed right now and I want to see him relax and holding the baby w/ Laila peering over his shoulder telling him he's not doing it right-lol

I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world right now.

Laila's 3rd Birthday party pics

I can't believe my BABY is 3!!!! Or "feeeeee" as she says. The day was great-not too hot, but the pool kept us all nice and cool. She got great gifts that she loves and most of her favorite people were there to help her celebrate. Enjoy the pics of my little one

Helping to make the cake ********opening presents from mom & dad

I swear it was non-alcoholic!*********eating cupcakes w/ her "best friends"

opening presents w/ mom*******************"I'm this many"

Her pony cake*********************swimming w/ daddy

Hanging out in the pool w/ her new present